loosie: words: Masturbation Television

Masturbation Television

MTV's self-congratulatory style.

by B.D. | 2002.10.18

MTV is the friend that won't stop talking about himself. No matter which direction the conversation veers, he seizes the reigns and wrestles the discussion back towards his favorite subject. Call it self-worship; call it self-absorption - either way, it's painfully boring.

Masturbation Television is deeply devoted to broadcasting its own importance. It seems that once the term "MTV Generation" became a catch phrase for couch-dwelling ADD-afflicted latchkey kids, the network deemed itself some sort of sociological phenomenon. Circle-jerking themselves into a frenzy, the cable giant's executives decided that not only were they the media mouthpiece for a movement, they were actually the movement. After self-coronation, MTV gleefully rotated the cameras towards themselves.

An obvious example of MTV's odd proclivity towards self-flagellation is the annual MTV Movie Awards. Lost in the celebrity-driven orgy of moonman trophy bestowing is the obvious lack of a logical bond between MTV and cinema. Sure, they have a tie in or two. Gravel-voiced Vin Diesel might introduce a few videos during the promotional push for The Fast And The Furious 6. But really, other than showcasing their ability to fill a concert hall with the likes of Jennifer Love Hewitt and her toothy ilk to sweat out interesting categories such as "best on-screen kiss", what's the connection? Cat Fancy doesn't host the Westminster Dog Show.

The boys at MTV love running programs devoted the most "outrageous" moments in their award show history and the videos that were deemed "too controversial" to air. Watch Fred Durst wax nostalgic about his duet with Christina Aguilera. Watch Kurt Loder discuss the story-behind-the-story of why the network refused to run Madonna's "Justify My Love" (surprisingly, there are no mention of "losing advertising revenue").

The real stroking began with the casting specials for Real World and Road Rules. Not content to simply broadcast the lives of seven college kids confronted with luxurious houses and attractive roommates, MTV began to chronicle the heart-wrenching decisions made by their own casting department. Shown leafing through stacks of glossy photos and rummaging through bins of submitted videotapes, we finally learned to appreciate the seamy underbelly of the reality television industry. Among the most insipid moments of the casting specials have traditionally been the turgid roundtable discussions in which members of the MTV staff thoughtfully discuss the relative merits of candidates. Left unsaid was the obvious implication that in order to pick cool and interesting people, you must, by default, be pretty damn cool and interesting yourself.

During each casting special, the MTV cameras follow around the giddy contestants as they attempt to prove their worth to the MTV employees. Like basketball team hopefuls awaiting final cuts, the entire group of rival applicants is assembled for the crucial announcement of the selected few. The ensuing barrage of tears, hugs, joyous yelps and disconsolate slumping shoulders must raise the collective cocks of MTV to full attention. The emotional outburst justifies MTV's importance.

Every time a bleary-eyed blonde from Kansas hugs her pot-bellied farmer father and weeps "This is the greatest day of my life", you can hear the clang of belt-buckles, the tinny whir of zippers and the rustling of hammy hands furiously pumping away beneath the soft folds of Hugo Boss suits.

Yes, Emily, you will be on television. You will become a demi-celebrity. Perhaps you can follow in the footsteps of Tec and parlay your six months of airtime into another year of visibility. Perhaps you can emulate Eric and put out an exercise video. Perhaps you'll do something of such epic stupidity that it will become a shared moment of television history for the Generation. The Generation's gatekeepers aren't picky, just get really drunk and flash your tits a few times, Em.

Self-gratification as broadcasting is MTV's modus operandi. If drones like you are willing to sit their futon and absorb their lowbrow programming, your homies at Music Television are more than happy to keep drilling you with the idea that they're busy enriching society as they enrich themselves. As a final precaution, Loosie statisticians have discovered that 89% of individuals who watch over two hours of MTV per week are usually chronic shaftsmokers.