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White Flight Hits Hollywood Results of the 74th Academy Awards send Caucasians fleeing for the hills. Despite their luxurious homes and foie gras-serving bistros, thousands of Caucasian Hollywood residents are selling their houses and packing their Louis Vuitton bags for good. Citing a fear of declining property values, Hollywood Whites have been spurred into relocation by a sudden influx of neighbors they consider to be undesirable. "For the last twenty-four years there was like one old Black dude living here", said resident White Sissy Spacek, "And Sidney Poitier was married to a white lady". Now, said Spacek, "They're everywhere - I even saw Halle Berry dragging around some effeminate dreaded guy on a lease." Longtime Hollywood denizens are shocked by the abrupt nature of what they consider to be a veritable explosion of Hollywood minorities. "Do you know how long we tried to keep Denzel out?" asked area White Ed Harris, "We even gave him that rinky-dink little award for "Glory" on the condition that he would keep his ass elsewhere. To be honest, I'm even considering pulling my kids out of the Academy". Although Hollywood has been through its share of ethnic tensions (including the "Is Marisa Tomei Actually Puerto Rican?" frenzy of 1993), the region has never faced such a dramatic demographic shift. Last night, the news of Washington's arrival spread like wildfire through the Caucasian community. "I tried to round up the good ol' boys from "The Bar at the Standard" for a midnight attack", said Hollywood White Joel Cohen, "We wanted to paint 'John Q. go home' on his statuette, but we went to Skybar instead". Whites expressed deep regret that they had entrusted the sanctity of their homogeneous environment to Russell Crowe. "I can't believe we put our faith in a dirty fucking Australian", said Kevin Kline, "This was bound to happen without the frontier justice of Sheriff Hanks." "I'm thinking of moving to Cannes", said Hollywood White Kevin Spacey. Read more articles in Arts » |
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