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Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Rise And Fall

Loosie interviews the trio of singing rodents.

by D. L. C. | 2002.10.19

For Alvin and the Chipmunks, life in the music business has taken a sudden left turn for the once wildly popular cartoon band. Working in an industry with unrelenting demands for freshness, individual drug problems, groupies and a host of other issues, the trio never managed to replicate their earlier successes. Alvin, the fearless leader of this motley crew, was always something of a big dreamer - and schemer. One of his grandiose schemes, however, cost the talented artist a few years of his life after a hare-brained bank robbery attempt went horribly wrong - even injuring his band mates and brothers, Simon and Theodore.

The brothers are currently working the chitling circuit - performing one-night gigs in any pub or dive bar that will have them. Simon, the so-called "brains" of the band, developed an insatiable taste for drugs, booze and prostitutes - even fathering a few bastard chipmunks in his seedy travels. Theodore, the portly sweetheart, has been struggling with his weight for over a decade and is now recovering from triple bypass surgery - and a failed sex change operation. The band members are currently suing the group's former manager, Dave Seville, for owed royalties and mismanaged funds. He was not available for comment. Sharing a flat on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, the brothers sat down with Loosie for an exclusive interview. We managed to discuss all we could until an irate Alvin abruptly called an end to the interview.

Loosie: We're here in Manhattan with Alvin and the Chipmunks. Your band has accrued many fans over the years. What's been going on between your hiatus and your return to the scene?

Alvin: We live in a shitty flat in Manhattan; Simon is goat fucking whores and Theo's a closet fag. We do shit gigs for a bunch of cow fuckers. That's what's going on. Simon…what in the hell does accrued mean?

(Silent whispers and mumbles)

Alvin: Ahem. I apologize, man. I haven't had my lithium today. I've been smoking a lot more weed than I need to. Please go on.

Loosie: What do you think led to your - how can I put this mildly - downfall? Who's to blame for the waning interest in your group?

Simon: If I may, I'd say that Dave Seville was paramount in both our success and failure. I want to dislike the man but he did provide us a home and a career. However, I know he's mostly responsible for our dire straits now. Dave had the right idea but he just saw dollars signs. I didn't particularly want to go with the "Hip Hop" route that Alvin and Dave touted so highly. I preferred that we continued doing cheesy pop tunes and enjoy a long career of reunion tours, double LP's and endless Muzak feeds in corporate elevators the world over. Yet Dave let greed divide us from him and now, we'd very much like to murder him.

Alvin: Fuck Dave Seville. You see that hoser in the streets…tell him I'm coming for him. I want my damn money. I hope he's reading. You fucking sheister.

Loosie: Theo. How's the recovery from the surgeries been going?

Theodore: Do you mind if I take my shirt off? It's so hot in here. And would you happen to have some chips or something in that bag? I'm a little hungry and it's too warm for me to be walking to that bodega. Well…I feel better about myself. I'm trying to lose about 50 pounds and my therapist - we all have therapists - has given me some hope. He's such a beautiful man inside and out. My heart surgery went well…I can't eat tubs of Chunky Monkey like I used to and performing is tough sometimes. But I'm doing ok. I don't want to really talk about my other surgery just yet. I'm a little shy about that.

Alvin: He's a fag man! All that talking and he coulda summed it up by saying he's a fag. I love him though he's still a fag.

Simon: Alvin! Stop that!

Alvin: OK! OK! Sorry Theo…you little chubby fuck.

Loosie: Alvin, how do you feel about the music of Roc-A-Fella producers Just Blaze and Kanye West and how it correlates with the sound you tried to introduce early on? The sped-up vocal samples seem eerily reminiscent of the work you've done in the past.

Alvin: I think it's rather fucked up how he's stealing our shit. I fucking sent that "Oh Boy" shit to Cam'Ron like a while ago. I said "Yo Cam….look out for your boy!" and this guy's like "Cool…I'll do that". But NO!!! Just Blaze comes out with this "Oh Boy" shit and I'm here sharing this shithole with these two losers. I did that hit, man. Why can't Just Blaze and the Roc go on and admit it?? And that fucker Styles from the Lox?? That fucking "I Get High" shit?? I did that too. Guess what? NO FUCKING LOOT COMES MY WAY! I'm taking Roc-A-Fella out. I'm gonna do a whole diss LP taking those fuckers out…plus that battle shit sold a lot of records for that weak ass Nas LP. I take notes…I do my homework.

Loosie: So I take you're a little undone with them now?

Alvin: Look at me, duke. I used to be a fucking star and now I barely make rent. I had to do this one gig dressed as a fucking Powerball Z character. That's DISRESPECT! I was there before them slanty-eyed fuckers, man! I was running shit on the airwaves…Simon and Theo? Man, please! I was the star of this fucking show. I can't play second fiddle to some funny talking spiked haired fags! I'm a star…I'm undone with EVERYONE! Even these two worthless fucks I live with. I can't take this shit anymore, man.

(Alvin is sobbing uncontrollably)

Loosie: I'm posing this question to the entire band. How are all the legal troubles shaping up?

Simon: Well…I was able to prove that while I did father two chipmunks with a young lass in the borough of Queens, the third child she claimed was my own wasn't mine at all. She was a harlot anyway and I knew this of her. I'm not able to discuss my other legal issues as they are still pending. For real, for real -- just keep in mind that I'm a just chipmunk trying to get a nut.

Theodore: I don't get into trouble like my brothers unless it involves food and a naked chipmunk.

Alvin: Same shit. I did my time for the bank shit and what not. I know I'm a small cat so motherfuckers in jail always fucked with me. I'm saying…I spent so much solitary time it wasn't even funny. I had to shank so many dudes, man. I'm a survivor. But legally I can't discuss no more than that.

Loosie: Do you plan to release any new material in the coming year or is performing the way to go?

Alvin: Well..I'm coming out with a rap joint like I said earlier. And I want to do some Spanish-language songs - that Latin shit is the hotness. I'm trying to get paid on some Marc Anthony shit.

Simon: It's been difficult but with nostalgia being all the rage and the whole "full-circle" concept of music, I'm confident we'll do something the fans can and will enjoy. Plus cocaine prices are skyrocketing and I need to supplement my habit income.

Theodore: As long as the food's there, I'm there. Feed me and I'm playing.

Alvin: Yo man…I think we're done here. I'm starting to finger my gun's trigger a little too much and it'd be a good idea if we wrapped this up.

Loosie: Ahem…any last thoughts? Any words of wisdom you'd like to impart?

Simon: Whores are our friends. Anyone who'd give you oral favors for 25 bucks is nothing but a pal in the end.

Theodore: I'm gonna be looking cute when we go on tour, ya'll so holla!

Alvin: Man…fuck you and loan me 10 dollars before I hurt you. Stop the tape. Stop the fucking tape already!!

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