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Fix Your Face Loosie looks lovingly at rappers and their memorable physical features. In the wake of the furor over D.L.C.'s Microwave Sex Symbols, Loosie has decided to put together a list of our favorite physical features found on rap artists. Without further ado, we present the top three. Fabolous’s scowl – Although Ma$ish in subject matter, voice and delivery, the Fabolous One often displays a “hard look” that would make Minister Betha shiver behind his Bible. The right side of his lip curls up almost to his nostril, his teeth glint, his eyes radiate a steely “who the fluck want what” gaze and his peanut dome cocks arrogantly to the left. Fabo most frequently unleashes his look of scornery at the end of an R&B cameo verse or while clapping off finger guns. It’s fucking frightening. We don’t want to editorialize too much, but even writing about F-A-B-O’s sneer requires balls the size of Halloween gourds. If he finds out that we’ve been saying these nasty things, he’s liable to unfurl that scowl clear over his left eye. Oops, there goes his lips all over his face, oh my. DJ Clue’s jaw – Sticking with the Desert Storm camp, we must mention Cluemanati’s Leno-esque jawbone. We’ve never gotten close enough to tell if there’s an underbite involved, but the combination of his facial structures and uni-brow certainly give him the appearance of eternally being frustrated in the “Grrr, Clue smash!” way. To be fair, Clue’s equine features never would have gotten mentioned if he wasn’t on MTV every day waving that jaw around like a third elbow and instructing Iowans to “holler back”. LL Cool J’s lip licking – Ladies love James. And they adore his patented run-tongue-around-lips-then-quickly-pucker maneuver. D.L.C. might disagree, but we’re not mad that the womenfolk sink to the linoleum in soggy puddles over his faux-smooching. But the facts speak for themselves: LL’s increase of lip-smackery is directly proportional to his output of lousy-ass albums. You have heard that “paradise is very nice” mongoose-shit, right? At the rate he’s going, his twelfth album will be nothing more than a hour of slurping and smacking noises over Neptunes beats accompanied by pictures of him flexing his abs. Read more articles in Arts » |
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