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To the Rescue After the MC battle debacle, MTV needs our advice. It sounded so sensible on paper: lure thousands of broke rappers to the MTV offices with $25,000 in prize money and a Def Jam contract, have them stand in line for hours in twenty-degree temperatures, harness them in with racist cops and broadcast an epic emcee battle. The plan sounded as foolproof as flammable foam and indoor pyrotechnics. How could it go wrong? Due to the inexplicable riot that ensued in Times Square after latecomers swarmed to the front of the line, MTV may have to come up with better ideas for programming. Here are a few suggestions for upcoming Hip-Hop events: The Steel World: Two combatants will have their left hands bound to each other and then handed a rusty meat cleaver. A looped sample of Ice Cube saying “swing, swing, swing and chop, chop, chop” will be pumped from the sound system as the competitors circle and lash out with their weapons. Celebrity rapper coaches, such as Styles P and Jay-Z will council the contestants on correct stabbing techniques (as most amateurs are unfamiliar with the “Yonkers Ass-shank” and the “Rivera Belly Plunge”). Bone High: The “mainstream” has been encouraging safe sex for years. But this is Hip-Hop, and we don’t cater to your silly little conventional conservatism. See what happens when six strippers, six rappers, unlimited bottles of Hypnotiq and no condoms are placed in the champagne room of Long Island City’s Runway 69 for a full year. The unedited tapes will be narrated and hosted by Snoop Dogg and the lovely Florida State University women of “Girls Gone Wild” fame. Join in the fun by starting an office pool based on a venereal disease/pregnancy grid. MTV Cribs -- Breakin’ & Enterin’: You’ve seen Cribs -- a rapper takes the camera crew on a guided tour of their home in order to show the world that they own a plasma television which continuously plays the “fly, pelican, fly” sequence from “Scarface”. Later that evening, our crew returns with a group of cat burglars who vie to see who can stuff the most throwback jerseys and Gucci silverware into pillowcases before the rapper’s rottweilers come charging down the stairs and turn the interlopers’ testicles into hamburger. Be sure not to miss the Redman edition, where one of the intruders gets shot in the face while trying to get into the Funk Doctor Spock’s weed stash. |
What if Rupert's acquisition of the Wall Street Journal is just the beginning? Coming to grips with being famous on the world wide web. A reexamination of St. Patrick's worthiness as the don dada of Irish sainthood. The War Report: Storch versus Timbaland, Chimps versus Humans, Dick Cheney versus Iran. Compared to the thrill of going to war, getting out of one is a tiresome and humiliating business. The Game's new album is pretty good, Fabolous hires a private gumshoe and all Republicans are gay. |
