Printer-friendly version »

Dirty Downloaders

The RIAA proposes a new punishment for file-sharers.

by B.D. | 2003.07.07

The war between online music pirates and the music industry has intensified over the last few weeks. Blaming person-to-person file transfer programs for the recent plunge in sales revenues, The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) made recent headlines after announcing their plan to prepare lawsuits against file “sharers” who trade mp3s of copywritten music. In fact, the RIAA claims to currently be gathering evidence that will allow them to track down and prosecute individual users who transfer unauthorized music files online. Undeterred by the threats of the RIAA, proponents of file-sharing argue that mathematically, the grand total of losses accumulated by the recording industry over the last five years is 6%, an amount easily accounted for by the tumbling economy and the overall putrid homogeny of the major label releases.

Two weeks ago, Utah Senator Orrin Hatch joined the fray on the side of the RIAA and declared that he was “all for destroying the machines” of computer-users who illegally download copywritten material. Ironists were rewarded soon after, as it was discovered that Hatch’s own website was constructed using unlicensed source codes from Miltronic Solutions. And so, with Senators rolling up their sleeves to ally to the Big Five (Universal, Sony, BMG, Time-Warner, EMI) against the legions of Ramen-stirring college kids with T3 access, the battlefield is divided – price-fixers against pirates.

But what if the threats of lawsuits are unsuccessful? What if online file sharing is here to stay?

Luckily, the RIAA has an alternative plan. Late last year, documents show, members of the Big Five gathered in a secluded mountain castle to hammer out a strategy to combat the thousands of unauthorized music files that course through fiber-optic systems every second. Their new policy, should all else fail: “The Buy Our Record Or We’ll Rip Off Your Balls Plan”.

It’s quite simple, according to RIAA chairman and CEO Hilary Rosen, “You can download the albums if you want. Feel free to send the files to your friend, we don’t care. Just buy our record or we’ll rip off your balls.” Rather than fighting against the pirates, it seems the RIAA have taken a different stance – one that promises testicle pruning for anyone who is found to have an MP3 on their computer without a hard copy of the maxi-single in their dorm room. “We truly believe that severing genitals is fair compensation for unauthorized downloads” says RIAA president Cary Sherman. The leadership of the RIAA apparently prefers androgyny, both in the names of its leadership and the pelvises of its listeners.

Lars Ulrich, Metallica drummer and outspoken critic of file-sharing, fully supports the groin-grinding policy. “I haven’t had a penis in years,” he laughs. “The guys at the RIAA plucked it off a few years ago during that whole Napster fiasco. True story -- Hilary said she used to use my amputated nutsack as an office stress-relief toy.”

The beauty of the new strategy, at least in the eyes of the RIAA, is that they can continue to release uninspired and formulaic music without further plunging of sales revenues. “If we’re cutting off balls,” postulates J Records mogul Clive Davis, “I can release a new Busta Rhymes album every six months, regardless of the obvious fact that he hasn’t put out an LP in years that anyone has actually listened to in its entirely.” J Records, whose stable is also home to former Hip-Hop stars Wyclef Jean and Erick Sermon, is expected to profit enormously from the chop-chop-chop idea. “It looks like our streak of insipid and completely uninteresting releases is unstoppable,” added Davis with a cackle, before transforming into a bat and wheeling off into the night sky.

As for the cyber-bootleggers, they remain defiant. “I’ll happily lose my testicles for a free copy of any Insane Clown Posse CD,” said Kazaa user CrAzY_BoZo_4_LIFEEE.

Read more articles in Arts »