loosie: words: Balls to the Wall

Balls to the Wall

Beer-fueled hipsters engage in dodgeball warfare.

by B.D. | 2004.05.24

Who doesn’t have pleasant recollections of childhood games such as Freeze Tag, Duck-Duck-Goose and Hoist a Brick at the Squirrel? Yes, we all sigh wistfully at the memories of playing Bike Tag on summer sun-baked asphalt or darting through the gnarled tendrils of a Tuscan vineyard cradling an armful of swollen water balloons. But somewhere between developing secondary sex characteristics, ignoring service disconnection letters from Con Edison and cursing our recession-ravaged 401k, we lost our way. Of course, these fond memories of playful afternoons are a gamebird best served gingerly – despite our remembrances to the contrary, 7-Up was an easy way for schoolmarms to nurse hangovers and Marco Polo was a pederast’s pipe dream.

Out of all the sports of youth, one stands out as truly fantastic: Dodgeball. Part of the charm was in the simplicity. Divide the gym class into two teams, introduce a few rubber balls and start chucking. It was a relentless game of Darwinian survival – strong-armed competitors thrived, fat kids were quickly culled and lily-hearted but lithe children could scamper to the furthest reaches of the gymnasium and dwell in relative safety. But junior high begat high school and high school begat college; sports with coaches, complicated rules and burdensome equipment gradually sent dodgeball the way of trick-or-treating, classwide distribution of Valentine cards and pure unadulterated dry-humping. It was very unfortunate.

On Sunday, May 21st, a horde of hipsters and the women who love their sculpted bed-head haircuts descended upon Williamsburg for First Dodgeball, a 21-team showdown between squads from such entities as Joe’s Pub, Isa, The Late Show and a harem of publications (Vice, Trace, Tokion, etc.). The brainchild of Serge Becker, the designer of venues such as Joe’s Pub, Buddah Bar and Bowery Bar, the event was held at Volume (99 N. 13th St. @ Wythe St.), a massive nightclub located in an industrial patch a few blocks off the main Bedford drag. Despite gorgeous 80-degree weather, First Dodgeball managed to lure a large crowd inside for an all-day affair that included free cans of Brooklyn Lager, a plentitude of bagels, hotdogs and cheeseburgers, and the sight of Stretch Armstrong wandering around aimlessly in his ubiquitous white T-shirt. “We realized we had more than enough space and it we just went with it,” says Jeffrey Tonnesson, Volume’s events manager and the First Dodgeball’s organizer. “We tried to include organizations and venues that supported our artistic aesthetic.”

It’s surprising that dodgeball doesn’t have more of a following as a spectator sport. The furious action, frequent one-on-one showdowns and number of hotly disputed calls encouraged the hipster hordes to shed their serpentine skin of ironic detachment and bellow like teeth-gnashing Punjabis at a cricket match. “I knew people would be into it, but the crowd was out of control,” raves Tonnesson. “I was amazed at how freaked out people were. There was almost a fight between two girls.”

Besides the obvious benefits of foxy-boxing, the co-ed composition of the teams led to both supreme mismatches and stunning upsets. “There’s no crying in dodgeball,” jeered the crowd as an Asian girl on the V Magazine team became watery-eyed after being pelted in the head by Lovely Day’s resident strongman. The brute later received his comeuppance at the hands of a spirited blonde lassie from Café Habana, who evaded a pair of whistling projectiles before planting one in the thug’s solar plexus.

Using a best-of-three format, the tournament culminated with a finals dream match-up between Café Habana and Industrial Color. “It’s the cream of the crop of the dodgeball world,” crowed a short gentleman with spectacles as the teams took the floor. Clad in sporty uniforms with baby blue short-sleeves and a silk-screened picture of Che Guevara, it turned out that the vixen-filled squad from Elizabeth St. fielded not only the best looking team, but also the best. After their victory, the Café Habana revolutionaries quaffed bottles of Veuve Clicquot bubbly and received trophies before heading off to the after-party at Check Cashing (23 N. 3rd @ Kent St.).

“Anyone who was there would agree it was an amazing thing,” says Tonnesson, who is planning another dodgeball event at Volume for July. “It was so far out of the ordinary of what other clubs are doing. It made us feel a little more local because so many people came from the area. I think getting teams in place will be a lot easier; people are going to come to us next time.” The word on the street is that Loosie has already begun putting together a team with several former Olympic softball players and Wade Bogg’s mustache architect.

For more on events at Volume, peep the mathematics, god -- volume.tv