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iTerror Unconvincing warning emails for you to forward to fearful friends. You can admit it here, you lilly-livered cretins. We know that forwarded email you received about New York City ordering 2,000 body bags for a June 11th VX jamboree gave you a second or two of apprehension. You laughed it off, but inside -- right in the pancreas area -- that seed of fear was planted. Sure, you're on some Bonecrusher never scared shit...but you hopped on the 3 train fifteen minutes late so as to avoid the 9 AM target glut. You peered over the top of your Daily News to carefully scan for wild-eyed Atta-types with white powder dusted briefcases. You avoided kabob streetmeat for the first time in three weeks. Now that everything is back to normal, here are three emails for you to cut, paste and forward on to your trepidatious compatriots. Cut 'n' paste rumor 1: From: internet_rumormonger@fear.net I hate to be a bearer of alarmist wolf-cryery in the dancery, but I’ve heard some very disturbing news about the possibility of a terror attack planned for this Sunday. Crucial information was recently text-messaged to me on my mauve Sidekick from a friend of mine known by the street moniker of Triple Seis. It bears noting that Papi 666 is a former member of the Bronx rap collective known as “Terror Squad” – the very sleeper cell that made “triz-Nathaniel” a household phrase. Now I’m not sure if they’re fully Qaeda-affiliated, but the moniker alone makes it pretty obvious that they have something to do with the unscratchable rash of charcoal-breeched frogmen that have been spotted bobbing in the Gowanus canal like Achmed-Arabian bobbers. What I’m saying is that Seis is uber-connected, see. According to my source, this year’s Puerto Rican parade will be the site of great havoc and/or terrible mayhem. Unbeknownst to the hordes of festive Spaniards, some of the swarthy revelers in their midst are actually Saudis and Yemenites, not Corona-guzzling peaceniks. This is where is gets chilling. At the exact moment when Marc Anthony’s plastic palm-fronded float crosses 60th Street, thousands of Arabs embedded amongst the crowd will throw down their Puerto Rican flags, scrape off their faux “Big Pun R.I.P.” and “laugh now, cry later” tattoos and detach their palms from the asses of poom-poom shorts-clad pre-teens. The army of terrorists will then whip out those gangster-ass green ‘n’ black Hamas hooded ponchos and begin heaving vials of radioactive sazon y sofrito into the throngs of spectators. As I said, I don’t want to scare anyone unnecessarily. Seis, who keeps his thumb pressed tightly to the asshole of the street, says parade organizers are so petrified of an impeding strike that they’ve strapped chemical suits to the undercarriages of floats from both Goya and the “Grand Concourse Presente! Ballet Co.” I recommend not attending and staying blindfolded in a closet, preferably weeping. Seis also says to cop the album, which drops this summer and features Cuban Link.
From: fredomfyter@fowl.edu Mark, I write this letter today for so many reasons – all right and all freedom-loving American ones. Sure, I write to you as a fellow cracker jack vendor from Yankees Stadium's Section B Lower Reserve Section and as a “why did the Boss trade Jeff “Fuckin” Nelson” fan, but more importantly, I write this letter as a Bronx Bomber brother of sorts. And I could never live with my only Bronx brother dying in a mid-afternoon fiery inferno orchestrated by an evil cabal of Bengalese who intend to use our city’s horse population to blow up the entire third base reserve section at Yankee Stadium. This warning is legit. The horses and rickshaws have already been kidnapped from Central Park, the martyr videos already taped and shipped down to Chinatown, and the body bags already stuffed underneath the Yankees’ bench. Leonard, my good son in-law, works at Central Park in the field maintenance division. While the work and wages define self-humiliation, his position puts him in a place to hear things – some good and some bad. Yesterday he caught wind of some real bad news. Apparently a band of brown-skinned Bengalese from Curry Hill, most likely led by the city’s recent serial taxi rapist, will fire M16 Soviet Missiles from horse drawn rickshaws outside of Yankees Stadium during the 4th inning of the first game of the upcoming Yankees - Red Sox series. Leonard says that they’ll borrow a blood-stained page from the Iraqi Black Pajamas where the rickshaws will be cunningly covered with pro-Jeter paraphernalia and adorned with jumbo novelty Yankee Number One styrofoam hands. They plan on parking right in front of Stan’s Bar. Once parked, and early estimates have the rickshaw count between ten and twenty total, the evil-doers will drink beers and chant pro-Jeter songs to blend in with the revelers. Minutes before the fourth inning ensues and the Yanks trot out to the field, the Bengalese will meticulously align the novelty fingers toward the third base reserve section and sedate each horse with special K so they won’t upset any of the logistical arrangements. When Jon Leber – a Jew, hurls his classic sinker, they’ll fire the M16 missiles along the stem of the novelty foam #1 hands. They’ll most likely lob the missiles in clumps of six into the reserve section, blowing up the entire lower section which will include 10,000 honest fans and A-Rod. Please pass this on to everyone you know. It’s going to happen, there is no question about that. I couldn’t live knowing that I didn’t do everything that was humanly possible to tell all my loved ones to call in sick to the park or scalp their Game one tixs to the Boston-NY series.
From: jesuslovesjohn@doj.gov Good afternoon. Today, Director Mueller and Deputy Attorney General Comey and I want to announce developments in the war on terror. First, credible intelligence from multiple sources indicates that al Qaeda plans to attempt an attack on the United States in the next few months. This disturbing intelligence indicates al Qaeda's specific intention to hit the United States hard. Beyond this intelligence, al Qaeda's own public statements suggest that it's almost ready to attack the United States. Just after New Year's, al Qaeda announced openly that preparations for an attack on the United States were 70 percent complete. After the March 1st attack in Madrid, Spain, an Al Qaeda spokesman announced that 90 percent of the arrangements for an attack in the United States were complete. The Madrid railway bombings were perceived by Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda to have advanced their cause. Al Qaeda may perceive that a large-scale attack in the United States this summer or fall would lead to similar consequences. Several upcoming events over the next few months may suggest especially attractive targets for such an al Qaeda attack. These events include the G-8 summit, hosted by the United States in Georgia; the Democratic Party convention in Boston this summer; or the Republican Party convention in New York City. Read more articles in New York » |
What if Rupert's acquisition of the Wall Street Journal is just the beginning? Coming to grips with being famous on the world wide web. A reexamination of St. Patrick's worthiness as the don dada of Irish sainthood. The War Report: Storch versus Timbaland, Chimps versus Humans, Dick Cheney versus Iran. Compared to the thrill of going to war, getting out of one is a tiresome and humiliating business. The Game's new album is pretty good, Fabolous hires a private gumshoe and all Republicans are gay. |
