|
|
Holy Warz Insurgents said to be storing weapons in Temple of Hiphop. Even after the transfer of power from the US-led occupation forces to the interim Iraqi government, ferocious fighting has continued to plague the war-torn nation. In a country where religious loyalty often trumps nationalism, attempts to suffocate the insurgency have been complicated by the desire to avoid unnecessarily enflaming spiritual passions. Coalition troops have been particularly stymied by the rebels’ strategy of holing up both fighters and weaponry in the sacred Temple of Hiphop. The Temple’s worshipers, or Hiphoppas, swear allegiance to cleric KRS-One, a powerful orator who frequently preaches on topics such as Hiphop’s role on Mars. Although KRS-One, also called “The Teacha” or “The Blastmaster”, is not as powerful as an Ayatollah, his longstanding connections with D-Nice, Ms. Melody, Jamal-Ski and DJ Kenny Parter have enabled him to amass a sizable following. Speaking in contradictory parables, the speeches of KRS-One are often a strange blend of asceticism, capitalism and Wicca Goddess deitism. “The scholar gets the dollars,” he famously opined, “but for the mil I don’t run.” The legions of faithful Hiphoppas, said to number up to 6,458 on their message boards alone, can be recognized by their fuzzy Kangols and triple-strapped backpacks. “These guys will die for Hip-Hop,” says US Corporal Hector Freeley. "We've raked crowds of them with machine gun fire from Apache Helicopters and they just keep headspinning." Indeed, martyrdom and the guarantee of 72 turntables in the afterlife is an enticing offer for desperate youth in this impoverished land. KRS-One himself has been linked to the Spiritual Minded suicide bombing of 2002. Although Hiphop Kulture is guided by the Hiphop Declaration of Peace, coalition forces maintain that KRS-One has a tradition of violence. “Everyone saw him on his last album cover holding a pistol,” claims Sergeant Graham Tubbs, “He’s something far from a lover.” Scholars familiar with the Temple of Hip-Hop’s tenets point out that the use of force can be considered acceptable under extreme situations. “Hiphoppas aren’t naturally inclined towards bloodletting,” says Professor Doug E Fresh, “but it’s quite clear that these insurgents are operating under the Thirteenth Overstanding – ‘revolution is preserved as a final solution, when all other means of diplomatic negotiations has [sic] failed repeatedly’.” US military experts are worried that groups are crossing non-secular lines to unify against the new government. “We know the emcees have been cooperating with the street entrepreneurs,” complains Freeley, “We’ve also seen evidence that the traditional enemies such as beatboxers and street fashionistas have been sharing intel. There are just so many rebel elements to keep track of, anywhere from 5 to 9. We’re hoping to wipe them out with some tactical Bunker Buster strikes at the Rock Steady Convention” Read more articles in Arts » |
What if Rupert's acquisition of the Wall Street Journal is just the beginning? Coming to grips with being famous on the world wide web. A reexamination of St. Patrick's worthiness as the don dada of Irish sainthood. The War Report: Storch versus Timbaland, Chimps versus Humans, Dick Cheney versus Iran. Compared to the thrill of going to war, getting out of one is a tiresome and humiliating business. The Game's new album is pretty good, Fabolous hires a private gumshoe and all Republicans are gay. |