|
|
Mexican Standoff Bloomberg's Olympic Legacy Vs. The Good Citizens of New York. Bloomberg’s 2012 Olympic Legacy In anticipation of Loosie’s Mexican Standoff debut, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg gamely shed his political cellulite like a crusty Jewish prizefighter and abandoned such cumbersome issues as education, MTA funding and homeland security in favor of the honorable duty of event coordination. In an effort to build upon his glorious legacy of squashing smoking in bars and ticketing pregnant mothers taking a breather on subway staircases, Bloomberg has circled up the platinum-rimmed limos to bring the 2012 Olympics to the Rotten Apple. After charitably providing Snapple Machines for the city’s high school system, the mayor is now primed to deliver a smorgasbord of treats to international athletes and audiences alike. But first, Bloomberg demands a $600,000,000 Olympic Stadium in Hell’s Kitchen, an Olympic Village across the East River in Queens and a security plan that will include, among other things, video monitoring, biometrics, face identification technology, hand-held magnetometers, closed-circuit cameras, alarm sensors and eagle-eyed surveillance from air, sea, satellites and plainclothes officers. Additionally, complimentary genital-clasping electrodes will be made available for Middle Eastern athletes at pavilions and pushcarts throughout the city. No one else should be shocked; this is just a continuation of the Mayor’s unique platform of ignoring meaningful public issues in favor of superficial handjobbery for his Hermes-clad homies and international dignitaries. Yes, fuck Vinnie the Bensonhurst pizza-slinger and Duncan the Crown Heights livery cab driver in their blue-collar mouths. Now Bloomberg, long defiantly rich, has turned politically defiant, ignoring New Yorkers’ gripes over subway fare hikes, illegal imprisonment of protesters during the GOP Convention, unaffordable housing and schools where art, science and music have been scrapped in favor of fill-in-the-dots standardized testing. Even with Bloomberg determined to go downs in the annals of history as the mayor who brought New York an Olympiad, you can still expect a ticket when your portly ass slouches into a second seat while riding the B Train to the Equestrian finals out in Soundview. The Good Citizens of New York City It’s logical that New York City’s hordes of crooks, criminals, crackpots and crystal meth cock-consuming crackers will all discover a way to either illegally profit or disrupt the Bloomberg Olympics. After the 2004 GOP Convention brought a total profit of $143.00, which happened to all be pocketed by Sumon the hot dog peddler outside Madison Square Garden, New Yorkers have wised up to Mayor Bloomberg’s tall tales of Olympic-sized financial gains that will shower jewels on everyone from Wall Street analysts to Old Man River collecting cans in DUMBO, Brooklyn. Shit, the Stoli-chugging Russians out in Coney Island are already preparing to kidnap any Russian gymnasts that meets their strict 24-17-24 requirements and sell them into white slavery. In Chelsea, ACT-UP, the city’s loony AID’s awareness support group, will use the Olympics media spotlight to showcase the world a troop of naked and penis-pierced individuals streaking across the medal platform. Sunset Park brothels will bustle with German tourists grinding out young runaways from the Puerto Rican women’s archery squad and the Mosques of Atlantic Avenue will be roll out their finest prayer mats for fellow Muslims intent on sending armies of bomb-carrying donkeys toward Gracie Mansion. Godspeed, jackasses. Winner Even though we’re unsure of whether Bloomberg wants the West Side stadium to get the Olympics or the Olympics to get the West Side stadium, neither are happening. He can flood the streets with innumerable placards and posters bearing with those cute little Statue of Liberty logos, but it won’t make anyone care -- the average New Yorker will never be enthusiastic about a summer’s worth of baffled foreigners, security lockdowns and frenzied media. Anyone looking for an Olympic Village vibe need only cruise out to Flushing, Queens. Read more articles in Mexican Standoff » |
What if Rupert's acquisition of the Wall Street Journal is just the beginning? Coming to grips with being famous on the world wide web. A reexamination of St. Patrick's worthiness as the don dada of Irish sainthood. The War Report: Storch versus Timbaland, Chimps versus Humans, Dick Cheney versus Iran. Compared to the thrill of going to war, getting out of one is a tiresome and humiliating business. The Game's new album is pretty good, Fabolous hires a private gumshoe and all Republicans are gay. |
