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Clanton's Rant

Our solution to the Social Security debate: tax the God-fearing.

by Clanton McNeese | 2005.03.12

“You can’t get fooled again,” the president stammered a couple years ago, and the public has finally agreed. The trap attached to the smelly private account cheese is obvious to even the blindest of working mice, so middle class Americans have skittered away from the Bush administration’s Social Security plan. The president, although his boozing days are said to be behind him, has resorted to the rhetoric of the barroom bully: “You don’t like my idea? Let’s see you come up with a better one.”

Meanwhile, Democrats are flexing their withered biceps, recalling glory days. They believe they’ve mastered the tactics of the new millennium; they’re fighting fear with fear. However, the Democrats are missing the point.

It is much reported that Bush has hung his heart on Social Security reform, but don’t believe it. First, he could no more fully explain the plan’s details to the satisfaction of the average voter than he could explain the Pythagorean Theorem to a python. Second, overlooked during the Social Security debate is the steady progress of the Republicans toward their unwavering goal of protecting the rich and screwing everyone else. The Bush administration will willingly lose the smaller battle to win the wider war, and Republicans will milk that mini-defeat to label Democrats as out-of-touch obstructionists.

So tax cuts for the rich, a debatable policy in the best of times and a ludicrous notion for an America deep in debt and spending billions on invasion, will be pushed towards permanence, while the budget, with its slaughterhouse treatment of social programs, will be touted as fiscally responsible. White House double-talkers tip their hands in the deadly mathematical details. Bush proclaims his commitment to the troops, but funding cuts for the Veterans Administration show he’s a liar. Bush promises support for community colleges, but huge reductions for student loans show he’s a liar. Bush promises compassion but delivers indifference.

As far as Social Security goes, well, I’ve had extensive experience in beer-fueled debates, so I’m ready to accept the president’s challenge. I don’t like his idea, and I’ve come up with a better one to guarantee solvency for the stressed retirement system. The issue is clear: way too many people are living way too long, and thus have not paid their fair share when they exit the work force.

Fortunately, it is no longer impossible to identify these potential longevity leeches. Recent studies show that church-going types live on average four years longer than more secular citizens, thus prompting a deficit of Biblical proportions. The solution is evident: the religious among us must work four more years beyond their normal retirement age, or they must pay an annual premium whereby they cough up an additional twenty-five percent to Social Security for future costs. Given the whopping number of Americans who call themselves devout, the predicted oceans of red ink should part like the Red Sea before the Israelites. Certainly the president could have no serious objections to my plan; it’s just one more faith-based initiative.

In fact, the pockets of the pious should be picked more systematically to oil the machinery of government. If I can’t deduct my yearly membership dues to the Blind Pig Bar-B-Q Society, how is it that every Mormon and Methodist can write off every dime dropped in the collection plate? I say get rid of tax breaks for the devout. Whether the money goes to construct steeples or pay off the victims of pederast priests, all of America picks up the federal financial slack that results. Surely, in the name of fairness, true believers should pay their own tolls on the highway to heaven. It’s what conservatives approvingly call a user tax.

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