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Cool World The Loosie guide to fending off the summer's first heatwave. As the city wilts beneath a wave of punishing heat and humidity, stringy haired denizens desperate seek inventive ways to keep cool. From hand-held fans to kiddie pools on the tarpaper roof to the unfortunate discovery that water moccasins ain’t beach footwear, any escape from this unpleasant introduction to the summer of 2005 is a welcome break from blistering pavement, reeking passengers on the subway and the encroachment of wild dogs from Red Hook. We’ve designed a few tactics to assist Loosie readers in keeping the dog days at bay. The Tropical Limousine Even if you’ve resigned yourself to sweating through your breeches while holed up in an iguana-infested apartment, relief could be as close as the corner grocery store. Beyond the usual selection of Wet ‘N’ Wild condoms, Utz pretzels and copies of The Daily News making fun of the Yankees’ unfettered ineptitude, your local bodega probably also carries overripe fruit, a few beaten vegetables and a decent supply of Boar’s Head meat and cheese. And though you’ve been too busy singing along with the Daddy “Gasolina” Yankee song blaring from behind the counters to notice, perishable products are delivered almost every day. But, if the heat gets unbearable, mosey down to the corner store and wait for the next refrigerated truck to rumble up. When the swarthy delivery guy takes that bushel of bananas inside the store, leap into the cargo hold of the truck and burrow into whatever foodstuff seems the best material for nesting (ice cream sandwiches are excellent, EggBeaters are not). Congrats, slugger, you’ve just found yourself what illegal immigrants sneaking across the border refer to as “a tropical limousine”; explore the frosty box for goodies such as proscuitto and Mandarin orangles. Note: if you accidentally burrow into the storage space of an unrefrigerated Wet ‘N’ Wild truck, you may melt like a bunch of nightcrawlers left too long in a capped coffee can.
Despite what the car-hopper footage from Freaknik suggests, prolonged exposure to high temperatures can sap you of your sexual energy. But there’s no need to get all Christian Celibacy Oath for the summer. Simply fill an angel food cake tin with water and place in the freezer. After it has frozen solid, turn the pan upside down, douse with water and slide the molded ice safely out. You may now insert your erect penis or the erect penis of a loved one into the cylindrical space in the center of the ice block. For those wishing to use a tool of inverse proportions, purchase a popsicle of the non-cookie crumb-covered variety.
Part of staying comfortable is purely psychological. If you concentrate on the lung-choking humidity and the stench of shrimp shells rotting in the dumpster behind the Chinese takeout joint, you’ll just end up wallowing in misery. Think cool; be cool. Lie down and close your eyes. Let your mind wander. Imagine yourself easing into a river basin in a thickly forested Maine woodland preserve that gathers at the foot of a gurgling brook trickling through smoothed slabs of feldspar. That’s the mist from a waterfall condensing on your forehead, not beads of sweat. Those are soft meadow daffodils sticking to your back, not the cling of your grimy pleather loveseat. That’s a hummingbird flitting next to you, not a heroin needle quivering in your forearm. And those are peaceful mountain fauns flocking around you, not black-fingernailed drug fiends attempting to tear off your canvas sneakers as you lie prone on the trash-covered floor of an abandoned warehouse in Cleveland from smoking Bali Shag dipped in sherm.
Can’t afford the $79.50 it now costs to peep Batman the Lavender Underling in a Manhattan theater? Understandable. But where else can someone without an air conditioner relax on a steaming afternoon? Easy – the hospital. If you want the royal treatment, just stroll into the emergency room with a blood-drenched t-shirt wrapped around your face and a deep puncture wound on your temple. An I.V. tube and a few Percocets are as pleasant as a beach blanket at Margaritaville. If you’re not willing to go all out and thump yourself in the dome with a crowbar, you can still grab a seat in the triage waiting area. Just clutch your side with a grimace every once in a while to convince any onlookers that you’re an authentic invalid. Then relax, watch endless returns of Elimidate on the wall-mounted TV and catch a host of communicable diseases such as air-borne bird flu. |
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