loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Palmeiro plays himself while Bolton bolts in the backdoor.

by Staff | 2005.08.04

Thumbs Up to Bolton’s backdoor ambassadorial appointment to the UN. Democrats can cry foul about Bush’s cowardly maneuver, but the end result is that the President sent a guy widely regarded as an inept, dishonest, sexually deviant, “kiss-up, kick-down” type off to represent our country in the United Nations without approval from Congress. There's really no more accurate way to represent America.

Thumbs Down to the resurgence of Rupert Murdoch. We prefer the sinister Australian as far away as possible. It was one thing to use “Fox News” as a cheap punchline amongst leftward-thinking associates, but now the interloping douchebag is taking over NY Post operations himself (from son Lachlan) and has purchased MySpace. Quick, round up ~*SuPer SeXy82*~, that cat holding a sniper rifle, and that shirtless guy with sunglasses and let’s fight the power.

Thumbs Down to the plane crash in Toronto. No one was killed? How Canadian; even their aeronautical disasters are soft. Then again, maybe they opted against dying because they had universal health coverage and realized that surgically removing a jagged hunk of fuselage from their spleen wouldn’t prevent them from ever owning a two-bedroom apartment or sending their children off to Tufts. But when Qaeda finally does strike the Canucks, the attack will likely leave dozens with nasty rug-burns and several people with their moose-fur boots completely soiled.

Thumbs Up to Raphael Palmeiro. Yes, the Orioles’ slugging first baseman is clearly a cheater. Caught with Stanzolol coursing through his system, the future Hall of Famer’s Congressional plea copping now falls upon deaf ears. But give him some credit for at least being presidential – he went in front of government officials and heart-wrenchingly denied doing something that affected his genitals (not including the Viagra he shills for). It is inspiring though, to see someone son themselves so magnificently and on such a grand career-ruining scale. So remember, to paraphrase wise words from The Chronic: “when you dis Jose Canseco, you dis yourself, motherfucker”. He should have followed Sammy Sosa's lead: quit the juice, become a pathetic baseball player and fade into obscurity.

Thumbs Up to Seattle Mariners’ pitcher Ryan Franklin. Who? Exactly. If you’re going to be the other guy caught for roiding, it’s advisable to get bagged at the same time as Raphael Palmeiro.

Thumbs Down to searching bags in subways. The ACLU is rightfully getting a lawsuit up and popping, but is that shit even still happening? We were riding the C-train with a Bunsen burner and a water balloon full of nitroglycerin, and it was all gravy. In fact, an officer even complimented us on that “sweet chemical smell emitting from [our] oversized gunnysack”. As the whole announcement was obviously just a knee-jerk overreaction to the London blasts, terrorists can now safely resume their activities, confident that the only citizens being harassed and searched under these draconian new guidelines are young Black and Latino males with weapons of mass melanin.

Thumbs Down to ever-improving improvised explosive devices. Once every month or two, the Times cranks out another article about how the insurgents are concocting bigger and more sophisticated roadside explosives. There’s always a reference to the classic “battle of wits” going down between US soldiers and insurgents, some intellectual combat behind the daily scattering of torn appendages. Hold up, suckers. A mental Mexican standoff between suicidal militants and US grunts? That’s sort of like a chess match between Corky and I Am Sam. The only outcome is that a lot of pawns are going to get murked.