loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Shaquille O'Neal protects homos, Pamela's titties get shrunken and snitching gets a bad name in the T-shirt world.

by B.D. | 2005.09.20

Thumbs up to Shaquille O’Neal for assisting the Miami Beach Police in apprehending a villain who heaved hurtful words and a less hurtful bottle at a gay couple in South Beach. Shaq-Fu witnessed the incident, followed the offender and flagged down an officer of the law who subsequently arrested the homo-cidal maniac. Jealous of the attention garnered by his ex-teammate, Kobe Bryant proudly announced that he had single-handedly thwarted several rape attempts against female hotel employees by actually getting consent.

Thumbs down to Pamela Anderson’s cell phone commercials. Is there anyone on this godforsaken planet actually interested in watching clips from “Stacked” on their cell phone? You can’t even masturbate to the footage we filmed downstairs at Happy Ending last Tuesday; how is any amorous gentleman supposed to deal with Pamela’s digitized titties when shrunken down to the size of lentils?

Thumbs up to Lil Kim for keeping her composure upon entering prison for a 366-day sentence. Forget her original charge, the sentence should be punishment for that Timbaland-produced abomination “Shut Up, Bitch” and the idea that an album containing such a song could be a proverbial “5-mic classic”. It’s too bad Scott Storch isn’t around to troop the bid with her; he could have smuggled in Botox supplements stashed beneath his slick comb-over.

Thumbs down to the echo effect of the so-called “blogosphere”. When one person quips, “I’d love to see Karl Rove frog-marched out of the White House,” it’s mildly amusing. When the same phrase is endlessly repeated on every blog, in every post, in every DailyKos diary entry, it becomes the leftist equivalent of “blame game” or “hate our freedoms”. Watch how easy this is, you lazy biters: “I’d love to see Karl Rove disemboweled by starving mandrills” or “I’d love to see Karl Rove spend the next seven years as the cellmate of the Tossed Salad Man” or “I’d love to see Karl Rove left in Falluja with nothing but an American Flag loincloth and a bedazzled cowboy hat”. Get your own shit.

Thumbs horizontal to Freddie Ferrer’s victory in the NYC Democratic primary. So the Bronx native made it past a group of candidates best described as Mediocre, Bad and Ugly without a run-off election. And we’re not even going to bother specifying who’s who, since we’re determined never to discuss any of those charlatans again. If Freddie wants to be competitive against an incumbent with a Jolly Roger war chest and surprising popularity in an overwhelmingly Democratic city, he’ll have to be more than the dude with the mustache that people have sort of heard of before. And, as those gossipy streets are known to whisper: if you ain’t getting bagged, stay the fuck from police benevolent society functions.

Thumbs up to the summer of criminal slang T-shirts. The few literate members of the NYPD have been beside themselves trying to corral teens with “Stop Snitching” and “I Got That Snow…Man” garments. Fortunately, they’ve recently turned to easier pursuits, such as pulling the plug on Cindy Sheehan’s Union Square speech. This brings us to an interesting question: do police harass anti-war protestors because they themselves are pro-war, or just because they dislike such character traits as sympathy, thoughtfulness and the ability to shovel down vegan gruel stewed by anarchist lesbians?

Thumbs up to snitching -- it can make even the most boring prison sentence exciting.