loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Bloomberg stays vigilant, the Clipse have "white in the hood like the KKK" and the Viking sex boat embarks.

by Staff | 2005.10.17

Thumbs up to Mayor Bloomberg's considerable dedication to protecting our city from terrorist attacks. While some civic leaders may have considered publicizing “non-credible” threats on the same day as skipping out on a mayoral debate as alarmist, opportunistic and generally bitchmade, the little billionaire always puts our safety first, even when the threats turn out to pure fiction. Next Bloomberg will be sure to warn us about Achmed's plans to smuggle Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola into the subways and feed the explosive mixture to sewer alligators and Mole People.

Thumbs down to The Brooklyn Standard. In a city whose newsstands contain copies of the New York Post, it’s safe to say the bar has been set remarkably low for “newspapers” and “journalistic integrity”. But the erstwhile Standard, which recently churned out Volume 1, Issue 2, is the current king of propaganda. Devoted to furthering the cause of the Atlantic Yards stadium development, the 24-page rag includes such hard-hitting articles as “Small Businesses Flourish at MetroTech” and “A Home for the Nets and the Neighborhood”. With Forest City Ratner representatives Barry Baum and Scott Cantone as editors-in-chief, we can expect a forthcoming front page scoop detailing “Bruce Ratner’s Enormous Horse Penis and the Romanian Supermodels that Crave It”.

Thumbs up to the impending resolution of the Plame leak investigation. With lefties twirling around all sorts of Willy Wonka theories involving imminent indictments for Libby, Rove, Bolton, Bush, Cheney, Nixon and his dog Checkers, Reagan’s jellybeans and Terri Schiavo’s soft-boiled brain, we’re almost sure to be disappointed. But still, the notion of doughy snitch Karl Rove getting shanked with a melted toothbrush is better than sex. Or at least anything that includes Bruce Ratner’s alleged horse penis.

Thumbs up to the Minnesota Vikings’ sex boat. Those criticizing the floating mass of strippers and narcotics obviously lacks any sort of historical perspective; just be happy they were apprehended before landing on Excelsior Shorewood for a week of raping, pillaging and burning fishing villages to the ground. By Thor's hammer, the same ignoramuses would probably express concern if the Forty-Niners sprouted long beards and began pick-axing through heaps of gravel while muttering about “gold nugget motherlodes in them thar hills”. It also bears mentioning that the Vikings' coach is a ticket-scalping, Bush-supporting botard who only keeps his job because everyone knew he was a furrow-browed ape from day one.

Thumbs up to Ozzie Guillen’s secret shout-out to fellow Venezuelan Hugo Chavez following the Chicago White Sox’ victory over the Los Angeles Angles. We see you, but you don’t see us.

Thumbs down to the Presidential hopefuls who have descended upon Iowa in recent weeks. Pandering bastards such as John “Oh, Fuck No” Kerry, Sam “Imbecilic Jesus-Freak” Brownback, Bill “Insider Trading” Frist and Mark “Who?” Huckabee aren’t fooling anyone with their sojourns to the Hawkeye state – there’s no other explanation whatsoever for anyone to go to Iowa, ever. That a handful of cornfed grannies and their sewing circle homies sculpt our electoral primaries is a discussion for another day.

Thumbs up to Jeb Bush’s drunken son. Let’s see, the royal Bush family now includes a drunk driver, a junkie and a set of twins that has obviously snorted blow off each other’s tits. They’re a convenience store robbery away from Diff’rent Strokes status. And even Willis could probably have handled a little Q&A from Matt Lauer without shivering and blinking like a newborn foal.

Thumbs down to the snubbing of a gay speaker by the Rev. Willie Wilson at the Millions More March. While it’s a grand show of progress when Black people can be just as pig-headed and bigoted as White assholes, we read a transcript of one of Wilson’s anti-homo spiels and the dude included way too many explicit details about gay sex not to be a self-loathing closet-case. The good Reverend was ranting about strap-ons and lube and how it was a sin to get pegged by a transvestite while simultaneously being asphyxiated by a gimp in crotch-less leather chaps and a coal miner’s lantern hardhat.

Thumbs up to the Clipse' new mixtape, We Got it got Cheap Volume 2. Pusha T is a beast -- and he's got “white in the hood like the KKK”.

Thumbs down to Judith Miller. For everything.