loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Burger King bites Jigga, Election Day arrives and everybody gets really excited about pirates.

by Staff | 2005.11.08

Thumbs up to the Burger King commercials with that creepy plastic-faced pitchman. We don’t know if the fellow with the molded mask and cape is supposed to be ironic or subversive or frightening, but we’re pleased to report that he doesn’t make us want to actually ingest any grease-slicked or sodium-rich foodstuffs from Burger King – let alone the abomination of nature known as “Chicken Fries”. What’s next in this shadowy war against the potato a.k.a "the kidney stone of the Irishman"? Chicken pancakes? Chicken browns? Mashed chicken? James Joyce is twisting in his grave.

Thumbs down to the Jigga-biting “urban” print ads for Burger King’s chicken fries that read: “The hottest chick in the game.” Hold up – maybe they’re just paying homage.

Thumbs down to the public’s giggly response to the pirate attack against a cruise ship off Somalia’s coast. Apparently unaware that murderous and heavily-armed pirates have been causing havoc in African and Asian waterways for years, everyone got all wrapped up in the whimsy of swashbuckling buccaneers and peg legs and shoulder-mounted parrots and Blackbeard’s buried chest of ill-gotten Spanish doubloons and MC Hammer pants. Um, these dudes had grenade launchers and 25-foot inflatable boats. So next time you someone sends a couple AR-15 slugs through your Lamborghini in a sloppy carjacking attempt, we’ll just gleefully chuckle about “those mischievous highwaymen and deer poachers who tried to waylay you with a flintlock pistol as you traversed Finchley Common and Blackheath.”

Thumbs up to the arrival of Election Day. Even though it seems likely to serve as a coronation for that little billionaire of our very own, at least we’ll get to stop seeing ads with Bloomberg’s caring face and trembling voice once every seventeen seconds on every single channel. And now Ferrer’s team can go back to happily creating online animations such as “Mark Green in a blender” instead of Jew-on-Cowboy handjob porn.

Thumbs down to Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz. Okay, you betrayed your party by endorsing the Republican Bloomberg. Whatever. But what we can’t stand for is your cartoonish image that seems to mostly involve eating Nathan’s hotdogs, diving into frigid water with the Polar Bear Club and putting up signs that read “Fugghedaboutit”. Where’s the gully Brooknam shit? You know, that heartbeats sound like Sasquatch feet shit? We need a borough president that smokes els on the Franklin Avenue Shuttle with Fizzy Womack or, at the very least, used to run with the Deceptacons.

Thumbs up to hording Tamiflu. Two for five, they got garbage down the way. You know Rumsfeld is a major shareholder in the company that produces Tamiflu, right? Holla!

Thumbs up to the finale of HBO’s Extras. They came, they saw, they made fun gays, minorities, victims of ethnic cleansing and people with Cerebral Palsy. It will surely be missed, especially because Larry David has somehow become tiresome and unwatchable. Every time Larry’s frantic slapstick music starts jingling (it technically indicates “hilarity ensuing”), we get a powerful urge to choke the life out of a small animal and/or child.

Thumbs down to the Knicks. Despite the arrival of brilliant coach and snaky conman Larry Brown, the winless Gotham roundballers are proving to be an exact sum of their parts: a bunch of underachieving losers with attitude problems. Though redundant, it never fails to be funny. We eagerly await the acquisition of Darius Miles, Roy Tarpley and Fernando Ferrer.