loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Holiday Special: Bush gives Genghis props, Sony encourages crime and the Halloween sex-fiend stalks our streets.

by Staff | 2005.11.21

Thumbs up to the dolts at Fox 5 for coming to their senses and reinstating The Simpsons to its rightful 6:00 PM weekday slot. And to think all those skeptics told us kidnapping Rosanna Scotto and mailing the program director pieces of her nose chunk by chunk wouldn’t accomplish anything. Oh, modern reincarnation of A Current Affair, we’ll miss your Edward R. Murrowesque coverage of thong-banning Southern mayors and that weird paper-cutter sound.

Thumbs down to the Coors cumshot commercial. For those who haven’t seen it: a monstrous “Silver Bullet” phallus-train steams into an arena, blows up the skirt of a nubile damsel and then sprays “snow” all over the roaring crowd. Look, you Colorado Neo-Nazis, when we want to coat a full stadium with airborne ejaculate, we’ll respond to one of those spam emails about Semenax that ironically keep backing up the Loosie Mailbag instead of indulging in your shoddy beer.

Thumbs up to the whole Puffy and Lox debacle on Hot97. Everyone wins – Puffy owns their publishing and the Lox got to talk tough about throwing refrigerators off of buildings. A few further notes: the new song “Movie Niggas” with Sheek and Ghost over an Alchemist beat is bananas, and Styles and Akon are well on their way to becoming some sort of non-gay rap version of Oz’s Tobias Beecher and Christopher Keller. Jail rulez!

Thumbs up to Pennsylvania Sen. John Murtha for demanding that the troops in Iraq be redeployed. We’re not sure what the best course of action is to put out the burning paper bag of dogshit we’ve ignited on the Mesopotamian doorstep, but just having discourse that doesn’t involve “staying the course” or “cutting and running” is refreshing. Of course, since Murtha was a “Hawk” who supported invading Iraq in the first place, his recent calls for pulling out are sort of like employing the withdrawal method during the second trimester. Or maybe it's like wishing you copped some Wet 'N' Wilds while paying child support. Yeah, we can keep rocking with this metaphor all day.

Thumbs up to Bush’s Chinese fire drill. In Asia to talk about goldfish and firecracker bartering, Bush brushed off a question from a reporter who asked if the President was “a little off his game” and darted for a door – which turned out to be locked. The Commander in Chief, again trapped without an exit strategy, was forced to crack jokes before a courteous Chinaman saved him from the dangerous members of the press. Equally comical, Dubya thanked Mongolia for supporting the Iraqi invasion and proclaimed their leather armor-clad and recurved bow-bearing horsemen indispensable in detecting roadside explosives.

Thumbs down to Mary J. Blige’s rant from the podium during the Vibe Awards. We’re not sure about the validity of her accusations, but the Yonkers-bred Queen of Hip-Hop Soul (or “QHHS”) claims the publication retouched her hair on a recent cover to make it look like Wyclef’s. Whatever the case, it’s just a sad, sad day for our society when someone has the nerve to befoul the esteemed Vibe Awards with petty bickering from the stage instead of getting in the trenches and breaking out the knives like a G is supposed to.

Thumbs down to the Washington Post’s Bob Woodward, who recently divulged that he too had been notified of now-infamous CIA spook Victoria Plame’s identity by a senior Administration official. So let’s set everything straight for the former Watergate journalist -- Robert Redford played Woodward in All the President’s Men and now Woodward played himself for the President’s men. Zing!

Thumbs up to the continuing tale of Halloween sex-assaulter Peter Braunstein. So the guy stalked a woman, set a small fire in her building, dressed up as a fireman, knocked her out with chloroform and molested her. C’mon, everyone makes mistakes. But now, the former freelancer for the Village Voice is really whyling – he’s popped up in a Smith St. coffee shop, evaded police manhunts and is rumored to be carrying explosives and a fake Detroit police badge. He’s like some Axel Foley Mullah Omar gentrifier yuppie…oh, we’re sorry, our heads just exploded.

Thumbs down to the Sony PSP ads masquerading as street art. We can argue about art and commerce until someone points out our Nike ads and we shut the fuck up, but when a little turd with a name like SAMS72 and nasty can control gets bagged by the boys in blue for splashing a SoHo wall with cartoon of a kid and his portable Playstation, those executives from Sony better have that commissary money ready.

Thumbs up to the potential boxing match between Wesley Snipes and Joe Rogan. What else can we say? Top billin’.