loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Holiday shoppers beware: the Tickle Me Bedbug is flying off the shelves.

by Staff | 2005.12.02

Thumbs up to bedbug mania. Once regarded as little more than a scourge of nursery rhyme lore, these nocturnal blood-sucking insects have become the official "must have" gift for the holiday season. After being lauded by the Times as the populist plaything for both hot-sheet hotels and Park Avenue penthouses, the adorable critters are enjoying more far more buzz than any non-winged insect should ever experience. Able to survive a full year without eating, "Itch Me Bedbugs" are the low maintenance pet any child will be gleeful to find under the tree -- just unwrap your little arthropod and he'll be instantly ready to pierce your flesh and inject you with anticoagulant saliva guaranteed to make any dream sweeter. Batteries not included.

Thumbs down to the US Army for shelling out cash in exchange for positive coverage in Iraqi newspapers. Aren't we the boss of them? Shit, if we can't control the Iraqi press, why did we go through all the trouble of bombing al Jazeera and driving them out of the country in a shitstorm of shrapnel? But even we have to admit the article entitled "Sunni Triangle: Democratic Utopia or Wicked Awesome Freedom Factory?" raised a few eyebrows here in the Loosie compound. We did enjoy the 6-page feature about Rumsfeld's gruff-yet-bewildered demeanor.

Thumbs up to Kobe Bryant's continuing on-court struggles. If he was more of a likable dude (or at least not a monumental jackass), we wouldn't be so eager to pitch cinderblocks of schadenfreude down at his expensive car from freeway overpasses. But we won't mince words: camouflaged by three Shaq-led championships is the fact that the Kobester is a slightly better version of Jerry Stackhouse -- just with uglier tattoos. However, there is some good news for the man who calls himself "Mamba" -- if the NBA does allow corporate sponsors to place advertisements on uniforms, Kobe is a perfect candidate to cross-market other highly overrated products such as Sparks Energy Drink, the first Blackstar album and oral sex while driving.

Thumbs up to The Warriors fever. To the people at Rockstar Games: if this is a marketer's dream, never wake us up. We like dwelling in a world where Halloween parties are based on dressing as the Baseball Furies, where Netflix doesn't have enough copies to send the DVD from Queens to Brooklyn in two days time, and where one can set fires to subway stations and bop through the city with a real heavy operation. Ajax, we see you.

Thumbs down to Bulgaria and Ukraine withdrawing 1,250 troops from Iraq. Sorry, you cowardly cut 'n' runners, but once you've been jumped into the Coalition of the Willing, the only way out is death. This is a gang, and you're in it. And Bush is like Crips founder and death row inmate Stanley "Tookie" Williams -- well, minus the protestations of innocence and Nobel prize nominations. Seriously, though, the diminishing number of international forces is getting outlandish; Netherlands, who originally supplied 1,400 troops, now has 19, with one in Baghdad. That's correct...one. You didn't hear it from us, but he's the top secret agent sent to poison Hitler's brain.

Thumbs down to 50 Cent's dildo hustle. We've never had a problem with Fitty's insistence on endorsing a girthy swath of products that includes Vitamin Water, G-Unit clothing, coloring books for handicapped marmots and riding lawn mowers. But according to Britain's Mirror, the bullet-perforated matinee idol now hopes to peddle blue plastic replicas of his penis to female fans. Fair enough -- but any man who catches his woman using one should be legally allowed to stab her with Young Buck's butter knife or make her listen to Lloyd Banks' solo album more than once.