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The Rebirth of Gruel Fret not, urchins -- the Loosie experts test this year's hottest gruel recipes. While a selected sliver of Americans accumulate enough riches to drape themselves in condor-skin cloaks and drive cars fueled only by liquefied virgin bones, the majority of our nation’s citizens are still scraping to get by. With the chilly gusts of winter upon us, it troubled us to imagine the snaggle-toothed swarms of urchins who stare bleakly into bare cupboards in search of a warm meal. Fortunately for those trembling hoodrats, their magnanimous pals at Loosie recently took the initiative to prepare and test three varieties of classic gruel. Our three-man trio (3) of gruel experts ranked the recipes on a number of critical elements and provided plenty of Zagats-style commentary for your reading pleasure. Soup’s on, bitches.
Visual: 5 While these “lazy mashed potatoes” might have “lacked a woman’s touch”, this potato-based sludge was still “too good to be gruel.” Some critics said there was “nothing disgusting about it, just boring” but other insisted “if you ate a whole bowl, you’d be really sick.” Options for improving the lumpy texture included “pureeing” and “grilling”. It also may have been a little rich for urchin blood: “you’re not going to waste butter on an orphan – mash up some peas instead”. And ultimately, it didn’t “fit with my South Beach diet.”
Visual: 4 “It’s something you tasted before, by accident” critics sniff of this simple gruel that “should be served Auschwitz-style”, as “it’s for keeping people alive, just not for very long.” And while some compare the flour nuggets floating in a watery broth to the “bottom of the gruel bucket”, others claim it most resembles “those snot-rocks that come out of your throat, you know, the hard deposits.” Recommendations for improvement include “adding sugar and making cookies” and “serving piping hot”. Overall, the testers weren’t pleased -- “I didn’t just get out of a Missouri jail to eat that shit.”
Visual: 9 Most tasters rave that this stripped down oatmeal concoction is “what orphans deserve, nothing more, nothing less,” but a few pooh-pooh that “it’s not depressing enough.” The general consensus was that “it’s not bad”, although it did conjure some unpleasant associations: “I see David, the Laundromat guy from Jamrock eating this every morning. Ever look at his hands? He has growths on them. He gives me a pound and I want to wash my hands.” To turn this into an orphanage classic, “put some honey in and a little less water.” Read more articles in Life » |
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