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Season's Heathens Bill O’Reilly rejects calls to end “War on Christmas”. Despite the mounting chorus of criticism questioning Bill O’Reilly’s timetable for ending the War on Christmas, the Fox News pundit and host of The O’Reilly Factor remains stolid, insisting US forces will remain engaged “Until we have achieved the Yuletide cheer our brave troops have fought and died for.” O’Reilly’s remarks come at a time of wavering public support for the Christmas War and increasing bipartisan inquiry into the motives for the X-Mas invasion. Last Saturday birthed another grim reminder of the war’s terrible toll, as four elves and three reindeer were killed by a roadside explosive outside of Toledo, Ohio. On a routine gift-giving mission, the armored sleigh was torn nearly in half by the explosion, which left molten jingle bells, singed tinsel and badly burned packages strewn across the busy suburban thoroughfare. As wounded elves attempted to free their reindeer from the twisted harnesses of the smoldering wreckage, Kwanzaaist forces concealed behind a Krispee Kreme dumpster rained down machine-gun fire until Christmas Coalition reinforcements arrived to clear the area. It was the third such attack in Ohio in the last month, casting new doubts as to whether the Heartland, once thought a stronghold of St. Nicholas, could rapidly descend into turmoil. While O’Reilly has declared that, “Our work for Big Baby Jesus and countless plump stockings hanging from the hearth involves great sacrifice by our soldiers”, the conflict has been increasingly complicated by the mutation of a simple insurgency into a multi-religious civil war. As uneasy alliances between Liberal Atheists, Chanukahans and Kwanzaaists have deteriorated, the Christmas Coalition has found itself facing a splintered enemy of divergent parties unwilling to negotiate for representation in the democratic Holiday Government. “As long as caroling and eggnog drinking continue, this isn’t a holiday season we can be part of,” says Chanaukahan warlord Seth Raab-Goldblaum, a militant whose followers claimed responsibility for torching the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree and have made Manhattan’s Murray Hill and the financial district exceptionally dangerous terrain for patrolling Christmas Coalition forces. “And we’re certainly not celebrating Kwanzaa – we don’t even know what it is.” Of all the warring factions, the motives of the Kwanzaaists have proven most difficult to decipher. Due to their penchant for Kente cloth robes based on 12th Century Ghanaian prints and supplementing their frequent mortar attacks on “The Red and Green Zone” with Swahili chants, the Kwanzaaists have proven exceptionally difficult to infiltrate. “We’ve had at least seven agents beheaded on the Internet due to their inability to discern between the terms for “Umoja” [unity] and “Ujamaa” [cooperative economics],” complains Christmas Coalition leader Gen. David Schwartzenbaker, who has been frustrated by the lack of credible intelligence explaining when Kwanzaa celebrators give each other presents, “These were men heroic enough to wear those red, black and green pillbox hats.” Hopes for a peaceful Holiday may rest on Santa Claus himself, who has indicated a willingness to deliver humanitarian aid in the form of fossil fuel lumps to even non-Christians. Read more articles in Movements » |
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