loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Fresh off the MLK bender, we tackle the Alito nomination, Southwestward expansion and the surprising longevity of the Jeezy snowman.

by Staff | 2006.01.18

Thumbs Up to MLK Weekend benders. Lodged in the frigid temperatures of January and arriving closely on the heels of Christmas and New Year’s, Martin Luther King Day is the rare holiday unfettered by any specific entertainment. No barbeques, no West Indian parades, no heart-shaped boxes of chocolate-covered raspberries, no fireworks, no immediate breakage of a slurred resolution about “not fucking people you don’t love anymore”. All we get is a tricked-out Google logo featuring the Good Doctor and a few solemn words of remembrance from the President about our nation’s continuing struggle for equality and how Kanye West inexplicably had it all so very, very wrong. Thus, celebratory patriots that we Americans are, we’ve transformed the federal holiday-assisted weekend into an opportunity to get cripplingly bent on a Sunday night. Though not as widely publicized as the beautiful stuff about kids intertwining hands and lifting their angelic voices in harmonious unison, it was Martin’s dream that Americans of all races and creeds would vomit together in the back of a livery cab and yell obscenities at the policeman who advised against setting that abandoned building on fire.

Thumbs Down to the record-shattering $21.5 billion in 2005 Wall Street bonuses. Now those khaki-loving frat-brothers will be able to spend more money at steakhouses, purchase more non-friction lap dances at Score’s and rent more expensive Murray Hill condos. All Hoboken, all the time.

Thumbs Up to Nate Robinson. At first enraptured by his feisty play and stupendous leaping ability, we recently discovered that Nate Robinson is actually an annoying little shit who meshes 50 Cent’s physical charms with the frenetic lovability of a deer tic. Stop whining, rook.

Thumbs Up to the seasonal success of the Jeezy snowman. While the scowling snowman logo is clearly a wintery icon best served with eggnog and a crackling hearth, we pessimistically believed the fickle tastes of youth would move beyond Frosty by the advent of 2006. Fortunately, unlike that slushy mound that always melts in Nestea commercials, the Jeezy variety can now be found emblazoned on stylish leather jackets (readers interested in purchasing one for themselves, parent or legal guardian are advised to check Fulton Mall). Since our spies have also spotted tees with grimacing gingerbread men, keep an eye out for thugged-out Easter Rabbits and My Little Ponies with neck tats and human-hair mane weaves.

Thumbs Down to Southwestward Expansion. Go Southwest, young man, go Southwest. A recently-constructed condo with a plasma screen and central air conditioning awaits you in the burgeoning “communities” of Nevada, Arizona and New Mexico. The rumors about streets being paved with the souls of Mexicans may prove untrue, but you can definitely get your boring ass a two-car garage and likely bone a chick out of Tiki Bob’s Cantina on any given Wednesday.

Thumbs Down to Alito’s likely confirmation. It’s kind of pathetic that rightwing lunatics were able to successfully torpedo Harriet Mier’s nomination but the Democratic party couldn’t put substantial holes in the hovercraft potentially bringing decades of wire-hanger abortions to the Supreme Court. Just a reminder – if parasailing presidential-wannabe Kerry hadn’t been such a lame candidate, we’d be looking at twenty years of a progressive judiciary. Thanks, John, see you in ‘08!