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Hand of God The Hamas shock the world, a hash war begins in Red Hook and Nelson Mandela refuses to take off his shoes. Thumbs up to the panic and chaos caused by the Hamas victory in the Palestinian elections. If this is any indication how the sandstorm of democracy is going to sweep across the Fertile Crescent, the US should probably revert to their tried and true methods of installing ruthless strongmen as dictators, giving them truckloads of nasty weapons and eventually de-licing them in spider holes. There's local resonance too, as gleeful Brooklyn bodega Arabs are selling 50 cent Newports with newfound friskiness and pointing at the "Terror Triumph" tabloid headlines in mockery. Thumbs down to the shadowy conspiracy that seems to have enveloped Knicks coach Isiah Thomas. We've long been critical of Zeke's adoration of overpaid underachievers, but we don't like to see anyone the victim of a multi-media smear campaign (unless it's us with the spatula and the jar of French's Disgrace Dijon). Last week, a trollish female Knicks employee came forward with allegations that Isiah had been sexually harrassing her. Now, it's been reported that he has never spoken to his son, a homosexual Boho poet from the Detroit 'burbs who describes sports as "chasing balls". Add that to recent blowout losses to Philly sans Iverson and the woeful Atlanta Hawks, and we've got a perfect Rovian Swiftboating of the Knicks' General Manager. The only people capable of such a stunt are Shakespearean manipulator Iago and, obviously, Knicks coach Larry Brown. Watch your back, kid. Thumbs up to Latin America's bountiful reserve of anti-American socialist Incas who seem to take power in new nation on a biweekly basis. After a century of propping up puppet governments, pillaging their natural resources and deporting L.A. gangbangers back to provincial mountain towns, the United States’ Middle East-obsessed President bungled our long-standing sphere of influence in a mere five years. While Loosie's grand plans for reenacting Che's motorcycle ride are a wrap, the Times' Americas section just got a whole lot more interesting with these coca-fertilizing dwarfs united behind a glowing hatred for the United States. Thumbs up to Def Jam's signing of Nas. If nothing else, it brings feisty third-fiddles Jungle and Memphis Bleek closer to reconciling their pungent beef and hammering out the classic collaborative album we know they're capable of. Whether Jay is a figurehead or is actually pulling the strings, someone deserves credit for Def Jam's imposing stable that includes Nas, Jeezy, Ghostface, Redman, Mariah, Kanyeezy, Luda and -- you heard it here first -- Fabolous. Thumbs down to the irreparable damage that Hip-Hop names have done to our spelling. We now have trouble spelling "fabulous" and "ludicrous" correctly because of you illiterate sons of bitches. Thumbs down to New York City's first openly-gay City Council Speaker, Christie Quinn. Flaming mad over fellow council member Charles Barron's support for a rival Speaker, the newly-elected Quinn moved the disloyal Brooklyn councilman's desk to face a statue of Thomas Jefferson. Why? Because Barron, an ex-Black Panther and the rep for East New York, Brownsville and M.O.P, once lobbied for the removal of the monument to the slave-sexing president on the grounds that "Jefferson was a racist pedophile". We're sure Quinn would have no problem staring out at a sculpture honoring Jimmy Swaggart. Thumbs down to Hollywood's vengeful tradition of killing off only its plumpest and funniest actors. Chris Penn follows in the tragic and hefty footsteps of John Belushi, John Candy, Chris Farley and the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Thumbs up to Red Hook's impending drug war. Sources close to Loosie's Gowanus Canal boathouse report that a new hash-slanging operation has been opened up by a fanciful dread with a chronic weakness for equally fanciful Park Slope hippie broads. The syndicate, a blossoming flower on the wharf's "gruffer" side, is said to be making inroads among the discerning habitue of Lilly's, Bait & Tackle and Defonte's Sub Shop. It should be only a matter of days before the public is treated to an all-out turf war between the crack-peddling canines from the old Domino sugar factory and this new operation's popinjay overseer. Thumbs up to the recent electoral victory of the Conservative party in Canada. For five years, our smug, self-righteous neighbors to the North have scoffed against the United States for having a cretinous mandrill at the helm -- and now they have a similar Bonzo in charge. But once-frosty U.S.-Canuck relations have already warmed considerably; we attribute it to the fact that both nations now boast a cabinet member who tagged Nelson Mandela a "terrorist". Thumbs down to Nelson Mandela's feet. We don't know what sort of chaos is transpiring beneath his argyle tube-socks, but he's the only person in the "We All Have AIDS" poster who isn't barefoot. We can only ponder how gnarled and scaly his little piggies have to be if Nelson refuses to reveal them to the world in the name of combating an epidemic that has ravaged his native continent. Thumbs up to this fake-ass winter. Read more articles in Hand of God » |
What if Rupert's acquisition of the Wall Street Journal is just the beginning? Coming to grips with being famous on the world wide web. A reexamination of St. Patrick's worthiness as the don dada of Irish sainthood. The War Report: Storch versus Timbaland, Chimps versus Humans, Dick Cheney versus Iran. Compared to the thrill of going to war, getting out of one is a tiresome and humiliating business. The Game's new album is pretty good, Fabolous hires a private gumshoe and all Republicans are gay. |
