loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Dick Cheney licks shots, Hagar the Horrible inspires outrage and NYC gets buried in a blizzard.

by Staff | 2006.02.13

Thumbs up to Dick Cheney finally doing his own dirt. Forget those fresh-faced GI Bill scalawags plucking IED shrapnel out of their eyelids in Iraq, we now know that our Vice President is perfectly capable of handling his business on the battlefield. Those fortuitous Vietcongsmen can thank their lucky stars that Originoo Gun Clappin' Dick was sandbagged by all those deferments; his friendly-fire shotgunning of some slimy GOP donor during a pheasant hunt is but a glimmer of the carnage the Veep would have surely inflicted on the inhabitants of a water buffalo-populated rice patty. You hold your toast shaky.

Thumbs up to the record-setting snowfall. Twenty-seven years from now, when the past has become a smeared oil painting of love found and lost, immutable dreams turned mutable and the tempered glory of a life spent within those strangely fibrous soundproof cubicle walls, you can reflect back to 2006, the winter when nothing happened except for that one day when it snowed a shitload. You'll remember, and that's enough.

Thumbs down to this entire Danish cartoon snafu. This is one of those all-too-common situations where everyone involved is a mutton-headed idiot: the right-leaning paper that published the illustrations as a publicity stunt, the shabby cartoonists who were insulting and not satirical, the lunatic Muslims who senselessly burned down embassies and that daft Iranian leader who splits most of his time between Jew-baiting and expelling nuclear proliferation inspectors. We would rather have seen Norsemen get enraged by the portrayal of Hagar the Horrible as a beer-guzzling moron who associates with and women clad in metal breast-cone protectors.

Thumbs down to any pundits who took exception to the political statements uttered by Jimmy Carter and John Lowery at Coretta Scott King's funeral. Duh, her husband was Martin Luther King, Jr., a man imprisoned for civil disobedience, harassed by the FBI and murdered by a racist. He wasn't just part of an after-school special about why Jen uses a scrunchie and Jamal rocks a doo-rag.

Thumbs up to warrant-less wiretapping. If we knew the government was listening to all of our phone-calls, we'd probably stop drunkenly calling that co-worker with bad teeth at 4:00 in the morning just because her apartment is more convenient than taking the train back home to Kensington and sex is cheaper than a cab ride.

Thumbs down to Ghostface Killah's Fishscale album art. Both versions we've seen sucked. The first effort was a brazenly literal interpretation of the title: Ghost, brandishing a machete, crouched next to a big bag of fish. The new -- and apparently official -- cover shows the Wally Champ standing on a gritty avenue flanked by a small backlit group of cronies. But what did we expect? Except for when they employ cartoonists, Wu-Tang cover art generally looks like it’s taken care of by someone from Killah Army with access to a disposable camera and their aunt's scanner. Our vision: white background with a slit 'n' gutted salmon diagonally arced across it. And some Wallabees.

Thumbs up to the end of fashion week. For all the free drinks and mid-week parties, there arrives a stark moment when you realize it's impossible to continue associating with people who actually care about ruffled gowns from Yves Saint Laurent that cost $33,905.

Thumbs down to the continuous fragmentation of Hip-Hop into unnecessary subcategories. Snap Music? Trap-Hop? Boom-Bap? Horror Core? Trip-Hop? Rap-Hop? Hip-Rap? Rhyme-Rap? Trap-Bap? Snap-Hop? Nerd-Core? Zit-Pop? Trip-Bop? Dip-Hop? Hell Rell-Core? Fuck-That.