loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

We ghostride the whip, Arabs control the ports, and Bush and Cheney get waterboarded.

by Staff | 2006.03.01

Thumbs up to the heat President Bush is taking for insisting that a company from Dubai be hired to guard American ports. Sure, putting a bunch of Arab Emirates in charge of our wharves seems like hiring former President and Supreme Court Justice William Taft to keep hungry flagpole-sitters away from the world’s biggest boysenberry pie contest. But we've got to be honest; the entire "scandal" is a major hullabaloo over nothing -- for one, the piers are so poorly secured that we could outsource the job of protecting them to Mullah Omar's Jihadco Stevedores Inc. and the odds of enriched yellowcake trickling through our porous borders would only slightly increase. There is a caveat, of course: if Bush is in favor of anything, it's bad. This requires no further examination, analysis or interpretation -- if the current administration wants some dudes from Dubai to run the ports, it can safely be assumed that a greasy cabal of incompetent, amoral bastards are profiting at the expense of our safety somewhere in the spider web of homeland defense contracting.

Thumbs down to the Winter Olympics. Ignoring that bullshit for 18 days was so grueling it deserves to be an event in the Winter Olympics.

Thumbs up to ghostriding the whip. We still think their voices sound like noises made by cartoon Martians, but you can’t front on the energy bubbling from E-40 and Keak da Sneak's "Tell Me When to Go". As hard as that quasi-"Grindin'" beat is, when it comes to hyphee, the music borders dangerously close to the rocky coast of irrelevance -- it's really all about frantic dancing and car trickery. The weirdest thing about the hyphy hype is that the hipsters are onto it before the trapstars, which leads to a universe where E-40 becomes Mike Skinner, Rick Rock becomes Diplo and Spankrock is somehow still Spankrock. Fear not, ridahs of the apocalypse, supreme natural order and the equilibrium of the universe will be restored when Fabolous inevitably ghostrides on the hood of a Bentley in a video this spring. That gets the Thizz face.

Thumbs down to Bush and Cheney's surprise trips to places we've "liberated". If we're doing such a top-drawer job in Afghanistan and Iraq, how comes any time a high ranking official goes over there, it's kept as closely under wraps as those CIA renditions of terror suspects to Egyptian torture chambers? We just hope that a Rumsfeldian clerical error sends George or Dick off to a European "black site" for some prolonged waterboarding.

Thumbs up to the sheer insanity of the Knicks' roster. Forget the team's league-worst record and Isaiah's scoffing disregard for the salary cap (though history will doubtlessly be unkind to his legacy, he won't be around to mop up the blood from being so criminally in-the-red) -- our man has somehow assembled a squad featuring six guys best suited to play the exact same position. Instead of criticizing Zeke for such maneuvers, we beseech any doubters to immediately use the Knicks on NBA Live or 2K6 and tell us this new-look Francis-Marbury-Rose squad isn't a vial of digital crack-in-the-flesh. Other GM's worry about meaningless things like records and contracts; Isaiah makes moves for the video game nerds.

Thumbs down to starving the Palestinians. So the United States and Israel theorize that the best way to get the democratically-elected Hamas out of power is to make life worse for the Palestinians under their leadership. We'll run that by you again -- the United States and Israel believe more poverty, more anger and more unrest will lead to…hang on, this is good...less extremism and less anti-Western sentiment. Beautiful, just beautiful. This esteemed calculation of the human thought process also earned our troops all those bushels of fragrant flowers that were thrown at their feet when they marched into Baghdad. Oh, wait, those were detonating IEDs that sent shards of sharpnel into soldiers' cheekbones.

Thumbs up to the World Baseball Classic's Pool D. Go to a tattoo artist and have this info carved into your forearm: March 7th, 1:00 EST, Dominican Republic vs. Venezuela.