loosie: words: Dynamic Duo

Dynamic Duo

Loosie reveals the other nefarious plots concocted by Zacarias Moussaoui and Richard Reid.

by Staff | 2006.03.29

When accused 9-11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui took the stand on March 27th, he ravaged his own defense team's case by claiming that he was to have hijacked a fifth plane and commandeered it into the White House. These revelations were a surprise to all, as even captured al Qaeda operatives have portrayed Moussaoui as little more than an inept hothead who was kept out of the loop on anything crucial (he wasn't even allowed to bathe Mullah Omar's dog). Further compounding the cynicism is Moussaoui's announcement that his partner in crime for the Oval Office Aerial Assault was to be none other than Richard "Shoe Bomber" Reid, the half-retarded Londoner who was subsequently captured with explosives lodged in his sneakers. Independently, the Loosie Research Team has uncovered an array of plots the would-be terrorists hatched.

- Hustling rubes in chess games in Washington Square Park
- Selling off-brand batteries from subway car to subway car
- Breaking into Dick Cheney's hotel suite and turning off Fox news before he arrives
- Renting a private jet, filling it with tanks of gasoline and circling New York airspace, before getting permission to land at the designated time and then returning the gasoline to the wholesaler for store credit or a partial refund
- Smoking a joint in front of the president and blowing smoke in his stupid monkey face
- Conducting a full-scale war on Christmas
- Unscrewing the tops of salt-shakers at several Fresno-area Hardee's
- Funding a sequel to "The Butterfly Effect"
- Deflowering 72 virgins in the afterlife and not calling them back
- Taking the big piece of chicken
- Taking credit for inventing the remix
- Drinking all the Hennessey you have on your shelf, getting busy in a Burger King bathroom
- Dropping a "silent bomb" and blaming it on the dog
- Not covering their chili when they put it in the office microwave
- Switching Mom's coffee to decaf
- Inviting everyone to their birthday party but the smelly guy, and then talking about it in front of him
- Dressing up like girls to get free campus housing in a feminist sorority
- Selling bootleg T-shirts at a Hillary Duff Concert
- Rubbing all the pay phone handsets on their crotches at Grand Central
- Starting the Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritche feud
- Swindling the poor Nigerian widow of her husbands fortune
- Using Netflix to amass an enormous burned-DVD collection
- Making "The Beer That Made Milwaukee famous", famous
- Licking donuts, then leaving them on a plate in the breakroom
- Plotting to grow, wax, and twirl handlebar mustaches in a dastardly manner
- Unfalingly call it "AmeriKKKa" on internet message boards
- Uncredited creative consultants on The Goodie Mob's World Party album
- Putting the sham in the sham-ma-lam-ma-ding-dong
- Refereed the Super Bowl
- Returned "How To Destroy The Capitalist Yankee Satan Pig Dog Americans for Dummies", "101 American Targets Terrorists Would Just Love To Hit", and "Itchy The Bug's Big Buggy Day" to the Patchquilt, Kansarkansas Public Library 16 days late....and are delinquent in paying.
- Assassinating John F. Kennedy and John F. Kennedy Jr.
- Switching McDonald's apple pies from the fried variety to the baked
- Blocking UConn's last shot in the George Mason game thus destroying millions of NCAA brackets around the world
- Inventing Reggaeton
- Spreading bird flu via poultry-filled IEDs
- Cancelling "Arrested Development"
- Customizing grips at online NikeID store
- Directing the 2 train's weekend schedule
- Repressing freedom fries
- Constructing a second Connecticut Muffin on Myrtle Ave
- Bankrupting Jackie-O
- Sharpening Young Jeezy's cone-shaped head