loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Immigrants take to the streets, Stephen Colbert besmirches Bush and the NBA playoffs get interesting.

by Staff | 2006.05.03

Thumbs up to Stephen Colbert’s withering speech at the White House Press Correspondent Dinner. With President Bush plopped down a mere ten cubits and several shaftments away, the O’Reillyesque host of Comedy Central’s “Colbert Report” sarcastically assailed the Administration for stupidity, ineptitude and corruption. The relentless donkey-punching needs to be seen to be appreciated -- if you’ve yet to witness the maelstrom of insults, youtube that bitch post haste (search for “colbert roast”). And as good as Colbert’s material is, it’s almost as entertaining to watch the tepid response from the stunned ballroom of putty-faced Washington “insiders” who twitter uncomfortably as both the President and the mainstream media are figuratively disemboweled and then fed forkfuls of their own intestinal tract.

Thumbs down to the media’s hushed response to Colbert’s performance. Although he shottied a substantial spray of birdshot towards the collection of “liberal media” types, it was still surprising that notable outlets such as the Times declined to even mention the monologue in their coverage until May 3rd (they may just not have wanted to waste valuable ink that could be better spent perpetuating war in Iran). Thus far, the only mainstream attention has been critical pans from Fox News, who, aside from absorbing a couple potshots from Colbert, has clearly just decided to milk this Tony Snow “inside man” thing for all that’s it worth.

Thumbs up to the Lakers-Suns series. We like hoops and all, but most of the match-ups in this year’s NBA playoffs are dreadfully dreary – truthfully, if you have nothing better to do than watch the Pistons play the Bucks, you should take up glassblowing or advanced microfichery. So it’s worth mentioning that the Phoenix-Los Angeles face-off has offered viewers a stellar supply of plotlines: dueling MVP candidates, the emergence of Boris Diaw and Lamar Odom as graceful weapons, Raja Bell throwing clotheslines and Kwame Brown gone wild in the hotel. We’d love to see Kobe come out and drop 45 points in a game six loss, setting up a climactic finale in which MAMBA will have to decide between integrating his teammates or releasing his delf.

Thumbs down to the NYPD’s “ring of steel” surveillance system. Kicked off in the industrial dustiness of Bushwick, the street-scanning cameras are ostensibly devices to protect New Yorkers from not only crime, but terror. With crime at ever-lowering levels in Gotham, we’re not sure why real-time documentation of every corner in the hood is really necessary -- especially when a similar system in London reported no thug-thwarting benefits. On its best day, the surveillance system will again prove that police find crime where they look for it; thus, if you want to smoke a joint in the street or throw up a “Kill the Precedent” sticker without the jakes swarming you, do it where white people with short hair live.

Thumbs down to Gravy getting shot in the ass en route to a Hot 97 interview. Did homie really think that he was the only one who saw the “Fleshy Part of the Thigh” episode of the Sopranos? No matter how much iron he publicly puts in his diet, the guy will never be a star without his crew, The Thanksgiving All-Stars (Young Turkey, Beans and the Mashed Out Potatoes).

Thumbs up to A Day Without Immigrants. Finally, a group of people waving American flags who we don’t want to see immediately shipped off to fight in Tikrit.

Thumbs up to the possible legalization of limited amounts of cocaine and weed in Mexico. What? The Mexican government wants to concentrate on prosecuting traffickers from murderous cartels instead of badgering adults who use drugs recreationally? How mature and decidedly un-American. Between this and all the ‘economic terrorism” caused by Immigrant Day, our brother brothers are behaving very badly.

Thumbs up to the glitch-electro-dance-hip-hop shit that went down on Saturday at Mercury Lounge. With Spank Rock, Plastic Little, and Cuiz of TTC on the bill, it was another hipster holiday in the LES. Quick note: if anyone wants to rant about the negative effects of Hip-Hop upon the youth of the world, look no further than Cuiz, a Frenchman who wears 7XL tees, gold fronts, swinging chains and jauntily-perched lime-colored fitted caps. But no lie, his DJ -- a proper Frenchman with a silly ponytail and effete coxcomb mannerisms -- was dropping beats that banged like a motherfucker.

Thumbs up to Cam’ron’s “Killa Season” DVD. Although the “film” looks like it was shot on Jim Jones’ camera phone, the scene where Killa pisses on an ass-better in a dice game while repeatedly muttering “no homo” (just in case the offender has a fetish for golden showers) almost makes up for the recent revelation that Cam has been repeatedly texting Beyonce with insulting messages about Jay-Z. “He look like a camel! LOL! where u @? im wit freeky zeeky on roof drinkin sizzup. ;) squalie!”

Thumbs down to biters, not writers. We had never heard of Kaavya Viswanathan before it was discovered by intrepid Harvard reporters that the teenage author lifted significant portions of “How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life” from other chick-lit novels, but just from the title alone, we know her book is pure huff. Swagger jacker.