loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

Bape clones run amok, Rick Ross saves Hip-Hop and Red Hook gets a big-ass supermarket.

by Staff | 2006.05.30

Thumbs down to Bape dudes. You’ve got an all-over print hoodie, a turquoise bandana wrapped around your neck, a funny hat, a Mohawk, a pair of shiny patent leather grips that precisely matches your T-shirt, a man-purse filled with Kid Robot toys and a skateboard deck you can only minimally ride. Now you successfully look like an Anime character devoted to incessant Technicolor fun – but where were you at this time last year? We’re not entirely convinced these freaks weren’t genetically-engineered by a marketing company then unleashed to promote Pharell’s since pushed-back solo album. Yes, exactly like AIDS.

Thumbs up to the “Hustlin’” remix with Jay-Z, Young Jeezy and Rick Ross. Joining his Southern stablemates, Young Hov doesn’t really ride on his enemies, but he ricochets enough subliminals around to let everyone know he’s talking about Cam and his “corny raps”. While Rick Ross’s original version is actually superior, when warm weather arrives, it’s just right to hear Jay on the radio. Also, as we’ve liked everything we’ve heard from Ross thus far, we’re going gingerly declare that he’s going to save Hip-Hop, change the game and keep it real. ALL AT ONCE.

Thumbs down to whatever Jeezy was saying about “real big meat” on his verse. Unless he was talking about "real pig feet", in which case the thumbs down designation is reversed and he's given a rousing thumbs up.

Thumbs down to new baby names. We did a little digging around on the Interweb after reading a hard-hitting Times expose on the rising popularity of the name “Nevaeh” (Heaven backwards) and it turns out that the most common names for newborn boys are Jacob, Aidan and Ethan. None of those handles are singularly as idiotic as Nevaeh, but we’re predicting a whole generation of glassblowers, organic bean harvesters and fly fishermen. And that’s a good thing – can you really imagine a triumvirate of Jacob, Aiden and Ethan going out gay-bashing? They're more likely to compliment his corduroy jacket and try to sell him some hand-carved furniture.

Thumbs down to people carrying dogs as club accessories. Dogs are for chasing raccoons up trees and slobbering tennis balls, not for being tucked under one’s arm to be sported like a furry, high-strung, blinking, barking stole while you suckle on an appletini. We don’t even intend on delving into the debate of whether or not those olive loaf-sized dogs qualify as canines (the ability to rob a hamster for its chain and medallion should be a minimum requirement), but the only thing worthwhile about those creatures is that they kind of look like Gizmo from Gremlins.

Thumbs up to people carrying babies as club accessories. It’s like the most ironic thing ever. Easily trumping any extra-smedium band camp T-shirt or pair of clunky horn-rimmed spectacles, the bearing of child is the ultimate “screw you” to traditional mainstream values. It’s all, “Look at me, I’m a homemaker”. There are so many places you can go with it too: you can ironically move to the suburbs, ironically join the PTSA, ironically pack single-serving-size apple juice cartons in their school lunch, ironically worry about them getting into the same drugs you currently do, ironically watch as they flourish and bloom into grandchildren-siring offspring. And the whole time you can be all detached like, “my heart would be breaking with love if I could feel emotions”.

Thumbs up to the Fairway in Red Hook. We wanted to hate on principle, just because the giant grocery store is a symbol of the Hook’s transformation from a seedy needle-strewn haven for wild dogs into Tuscany on the East River. But we can’t. The 52,000 square foot supermarket is a place of unabashed joy, where shoppers and employees alike skip giddily down the aisles, tossing pouches of fresh mozzarella and rubber-banded zucchini back and forth while singing. It’s a musical in there. Fairway makes Key Food look like Met Food, Met Food look like C-Town and C-Town look like the Key Food on Nostrand. And while you’re out there foraging for sea bass and gourmet sesame crackers, remember to support a local business by copping a vial or two of that get-right.