|
|
Loosie 2006: Roc-the-Vote Vote for Loosie in the Rocafella "Kingdom Come" contest and we'll give you a free hunk of organ meat! Read no further! Click here immediately to vote for Loosie in Jay-Z's "Kingdom Come" contest. It took about four years of unbridled kowtowing to every industry honcho who spat phlegm in our direction, but we’ve finally managed to sell out. And let us tell you, it’s sweet. By catering to the corporate whims of Def Jam, the Universal Music Group and Young Vito (The Voice of the Young People), we’ve been guaranteed not only swarms of online visitors to gobble up our bandwidth like ravenous locusts, but also countless Maybachs with translucent moon-roofs, cam-phone flicks of Beyonce nip-slips, and trips to foreign locales where girls dance with girls and the Blueberry still connects. We’ll explain. As of today, Loosie is involved in an online popularity contest that also promotes Jay-Z’s forthcoming Kingdom Come album. While we’re more like the weird kid who sat in the dirty corner of the cafeteria carving images from “Guernica” into the table with a switchblade and muttering about “alien larvae in the French bread pizza”, we still want your vote. I’m not sure who all of our competition is in this Premiership league of online bloggery and e-zinery, but we’re going to start Swift Boating them bitches right now. Here’s a closely-guarded fact: those other sites that you could vote for were all involved in recruiting efforts to get their readers to call Hot97 and vote for “Ether” during the epic Jay-Nas battle of 2001-2005. It’s all true. In fact, it's probably on wikipedia, but we’re far too busy keeping our wrists frosty to find a link for proletariat urchin like you. Loosie, on the other hand, has been riding for Shawn Carter since before Hawaiian Sophie was a drop of Malibu rum in Jaz-O’s plastic cup. From the rough details we’ve been provided, you can vote for the Loosie Administration and Family of Related Barnyard Products once a day on the Def Jam site. We’d appreciate if you figured out a way to cheat their polling system, but if you can’t do that, just throw us a vote or two with your daily Stoli and Vicodin screwdriver. If you’ve been living in a e-cave, feel free to head over to our message boards and chat about Jay’s three new tracks (“Show Me What You Got”, “Kingdom Come” and “Lost Ones”) as well as that Hot97 freestyle with a giggling Funkmeister Flex. Or talk about celebrity sightings, the NBA opening week action or German soldiers who pose with Afghani skulls. And remember to always throw some D's on that bitch. Read more articles in Arts » |
What if Rupert's acquisition of the Wall Street Journal is just the beginning? Coming to grips with being famous on the world wide web. A reexamination of St. Patrick's worthiness as the don dada of Irish sainthood. The War Report: Storch versus Timbaland, Chimps versus Humans, Dick Cheney versus Iran. Compared to the thrill of going to war, getting out of one is a tiresome and humiliating business. The Game's new album is pretty good, Fabolous hires a private gumshoe and all Republicans are gay. |
