loosie: words: Hand of God

Hand of God

We triumphantly return, confident all you ungrateful readers have learned a valuable lesson about St. Glendalough.

by Staff | 2007.05.29

Thumbs up to St. Glendalough’s Day. If you’ve wondered why it’s been months since we updated this Allah-forsaken site, it’s because we believed so strongly in replacing St. Patrick’s Day with another holiday devoted to an Irish saint. To readers who assumed the Loosie homepage remained silent and static because we were lazy, relatively busy or collectively “disappeared” by black vans after returning from an Easter egg hunt on the fetid shores of the Gowanus, we say “Fie!” – we’re just devoted to pushing this Glendalough message with a bullying, ox-like force. At this point, we’re confident it has seeped into the public consciousness in much the same way that toxic sludge creeps into a small rural town’s aquifers. Now we can just sit back and enjoy the three-legged babies and increased cancer rates.

Thumbs down to China sentencing the head of the country’s food and drug regulatory agency to death. Sure, Zheng Xiaoyu was corrupt and inept (diethylene glycol, a chemical in anti-freeze, was found in Chinese cough syrup), but if white collar criminals can’t count on being treated differently than regular criminals, what’s to encourage the stick-up kids of today to go back to school, earn their degree, and become the Kenneth Lays of tomorrow? Thank Allah we have justice here in America. Also, it came out last week that Ken Lay is hiding on an island with Tupac and MC Trouble. And they get along great.

Thumbs up to the dream of the Utah Jazz winning the NBA Finals. After David Stern’s relentless attempts to tone-down pro basketball’s current blackness for its white fan-base (dress codes, outlandishly exaggerated punishments for any altercation, zone defenses that protect slow-footed Slovenians with silky jumpers, rewarding floppers, shoveling off MVP awards to pasty foreigners for three straight seasons), we were hoping the Jazz--a team that often has four white guys on the court and boasts Derek Fisher as its most well-known contributor--would win the title in a series with the lowest rating in Finals history. Yet we were still pleased when the derisive Salt Lake City crowd tossed cups and other projectiles down onto the court after the San Antonio Spurs’ game-four victory – partly because it was in protest of Manu Ginobili’s foul-drawing antics and silly-putty face, but also just because we like seeing Mormons purple with rage.

Thumbs down to the low-volume but persistent buzz about Mayor Bloomberg running for the Presidency. Let’s disregard the argument about the feasibility of America voting a diminutive Jewish billionaire with a lisp into the White House on an independent ticket. Instead, let’s discuss how rad it would be if next November’s election comes down to a three-way race between two New York mayors and a New York senator. We rule! A-Rod sucks! Congrats, California, you’re now part of fly-over America!

Thumbs up to R. Kelly’s continuing cartoonish brilliance. If you haven’t heard his song “Real Talk”, you should kick that Ukrainian hooker out of your motel room and download it right now. Don't even take the time to shower. The curse-drenched ditty is a one-sided argument between Kellz and an insecure wench who accuses him of being in the club with other women. She consequently threatens to burn his motherfucking clothes. The track’s coup de grace occurs when he heart-wrenchingly calls out “Milton!,” the name of his driver. And yes, we've started yelling "Milton!" in public.

Thumbs down to the 11-year old hillbilly kid who shot a monstrous wild boar. At first you think it’s a great story, but then you learn there were snipers with high-powered rifles trained on the beast while the brat crept up to deliver the kill shot. And then you wonder why they killed it in the first place. Look, a mighty and majestic beast! Quick, fill it with bullets and make it die! That'll teach it to grow to a hunking size after living for years unmmolested by dipshit underage hunters.

Thumbs up to the blossoming number of references to using hard drugs in current Hip-Hop. The Boyz N Da Hood have a hook about doing lines, Weezy’s girl sniffs a mountain, Gucci Mane's “Pillz” details rolling, and those “Wipe Me Down” bammas are chirping about wearing shades because they’re on E. It’s like Tuesday nights at Happy Ending, except with minorities other than Asian girls.

Thumbs down to the death of Jerry Falwell. We’ve got all this simmering hate that makes our eyes beady and causes our hands to tremble, but now we have no one to instruct us where to wrathfully direct it. We’re guessing homosexuals, probably.